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Death by Dreaming

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Fri, 2023-03-31 08:10

I don’t want to burn in a blazing plane,
be bludgeoned to death by my brother, Cain.
I d rather O.D. with a hemlock drink,
snuffed out like a candle before you blink.

Don’t want to be skewered by a shark at sea,
fast food for the fishes – a feast for free.
I’d rather collapse in a heap on land,
be buried beneath the soil or the sand.

I don’t want to die of a broken heart,
left lonely by lover to fall apart.
I’d rather a dagger was plunged in deep
to save me a lifetime of tears I’d weep.

I don’t want to drown in the ocean blue,
like Shelley, the poet, I love so true.
I’d rather depart as I’m dreaming deep,
slip slyly away as I sweetly sleep.

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-03-31 08:10

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Death by Dreaming" explores various ways of dying, expressing a preference for a peaceful and painless departure. The use of rhyme and rhythm gives the poem a sing-song quality that contrasts with the morbid subject matter. However, the poem could benefit from more precise and vivid language to evoke the different modes of death. For example, "fast food for the fishes" is a cliché that doesn't quite capture the terror of being attacked by a shark. Additionally, the poem could benefit from more development of the speaker's perspective on death. Why is the speaker so averse to certain types of death? What does the preference for dying in one's sleep say about the speaker's outlook on life?

Suggested line edit: In the line "I’d rather depart as I’m dreaming deep," consider changing "depart" to a more specific verb that conveys the idea of peacefully passing away, such as "drift away" or "slip into eternity."

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Geezer

Fri, 2023-03-31 14:50

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that the writer has used a bit of consonance to build a pattern and rythm that will speed the reader
to the conclusion that they have no desire to perish in a spectacular fashion.
Not wanting to break the spell of consonace and still being relatable to the reader, makes this a slightly
humerous piece of work. I'm sure that if someone is dying, they want it to be as painless and swift as possible,
and being averse to a shark attack or some other form of violent death is one way to express that. Well done!
~ Geezer.
.

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Blue-eyed Bolla

Sat, 2023-04-01 07:55

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Thanks, Geezer. Yeah, this was just for a bit of fun. Thanks for the insightful comments on my language use.

KBloor

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Lavender

Fri, 2023-03-31 17:51

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I agree with Geezer. You have taken a deep subject and added just the right touch of humor to convey very defined wishes. The pace helped keep the poem upbeat, yet still very thought provoking. Really liked your title. What a wonderful wish to slip slyly away as we sweetly sleep...
L

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sat, 2023-04-01 07:56

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Many thanks, L.

KBloor

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