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Crystal Heart
My heart pure crystal when you came to me
Full of love sharing caring
Yet always close to breaking
I warned you that you can share my time
But do not shatter my dreams
However you had an agenda
To use me up and spit out the pieces
A crystal heart already easily shattered
You hit hard with greed and anger
Took the remainder of crystal glowing
Consumed all I had given
Yet I remained smitten
You etched the shine with abuse
Laughed as my heart cracked in two
The love that grew
Was now in pieces
My soul pouring out
Onto the floor
Broken dreams
Broken crystal
Darkness
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words:
This is my first attempt in this sort of writing. Its always in my head, but I never wrote anything except for college. Tell me is its a good start. This is based on my feelings now, be kind.
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-02-17 01:28
By putting this in the first person it detracts
from the universality of the poem.
It is a personal expression and though others may relate to it, it does not reach your reader.
It is well written, but ultimately a personal grievance.
That is ok, but it does not make great poetry. It is just about you.
Perhaps you could re-write in the 3rd person and others will be more drawn in.
Hope this helps.
cheers,
Jess
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'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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Candlewitch
Fri, 2012-02-17 11:50
Hello Diana,
May I call you Diana or do you prefer red_rose?
My heart pure crystal when you came to me
Full of love sharing caring
Yet always close to breaking
these lines tell me that you are a sensitive bordering on fragile person. The poem speaks of your delicacy and ability to be easily hurt. I like the poem.It brings across your vulnerability.
welcome to Neo... may you find enjoyment, learning and sharing here within the community.
always Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Nordic cloud
Sat, 2012-02-18 10:52
This I liked.
This I liked.
I liked the cracked crystal, the whole idea of it.
There are many crystals in it,
maybe another word for crystal in one of the places
such as gem, or prism.
The last words could be joined like the rest of the poem
and be just as strong in expression, I feel.
Welcome from me too, Ann of Norway.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.