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Cosmetics.."A Terza Rima" and another form

When life up starts to mark and make a mess.
When aging furrows, wrinkles deeply show,
some think they need a beauty stuff to dress.

Behind the smiley faces indwells the woe,
disguised under costumes , beauty mask
Cosmetics, cheapish shadow, liners draw.

When life up comes with heavy boring task
And puts on extra burdens, makes you low
You need to wear the happy soul to bask

Behind the glowing stars that darkness flow
Behind the walls of castles hides a plot
Behind the sweetest utters falsity grow
Behind the stylish glasses tears are hot

--------------------

Behind the smiley faces
disguised deep sorrow

Behind the glowing stars
the darkness' curtains flow

Behind the years of wisdom
wrinkles and furrows draw

Behind the castle's walls
conspirac'es, plots blow

Behind the sweetest words
some falsity often grow

Behind the stylish glass
the hottest tears will show

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
After writing the Terza Rima I didn't like it for some reasons and decided not to post.I wrote the same content in couplets .Maybe I am wrong therefore I do appreciate if you give me a feedback on which is flows better. Appreciate everyone commenting.
Editing stage: 

Comments

That the face is covered in many ways is of no importance, around each person is the field they have made in their life's journey or inherited from before times. It is a blessing to be able to see past the skin..
I liked this write, as it showed reality sitting there a cosmetic depth away.
Grand, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

But still certain things and people would shock you with what's
hidden behind . We can't unfortunately read past the skin .

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

There above a softly carved nose
Two sparkling gems that everyone knows
Are a window to a place, not hidden well
Your true self I see, but will not tell

The stories of the life's journey so
A mirror of one Rula's beautiful soul
I will not tell them therein what I see
I shall smile, as you know it's only me

Yenti

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thank you Ian..Take care

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

This is a poem I wish I'd written myself. Such an obvious and wonderful metaphor about the glamour at the surface as opposed to the truth beneath it. It reminds me of the beginning of the film Blue Velvet, wherein the shot opens on a nice house with a white picket fence and white flowers, then the camera slowly goes under the surface of the grass and we as an audience see this raging war of beetles and the most disconcerting noise of chaos fills our ears. If I were to have a criticism it would be that you were following a pretty flowing and strict rhyme scheme throughout the body of the poem and then abandoned it in the last four lines. I don't believe all poetry has to rhyme, I just wondered why you'd come so far with great meter and rhyme to discard it at the end. Small complaint for a very impressive work.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Your words encouraged me to post the Terza Rima(Iam sure you're aware of that form). which after writing it and for some reasons I didn't like it and decided to re-write the whole thing in couplets without giving much care to the meter . I've done some changes though in the couplets and posted the Terza Rima anyway. So I'd appreciate if you have a look and tell me how it reads and flows..Really appreciate your time .

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

cannot hide the lie that we live as we toss and turn, on occasion we burn. Yet do we learn? No! We apply more illusions to hide our deep despair. The latest craze is injected with dirty needles into the Mind's vein. I shall now hide behind my new hairstyle!

Enjoyed the read.

LG

_________________________________________
"Death" is nonsense: what is there to die?
"Life"? How could " life" "die"? That is a contradiction
in terms. Can "light" become "darkness"?
"Light" can only cease to be apparent

Wei Wu Wei

Behind the hairstyle !! I should add this one to my piece :)

Very much like your words . Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I think you've been very successful in putting the couplets into Terza Rima form, though I must admit I still like the more lyrical flow of the couplets. I am far from the guru of poetry but there are three things I would do to the Terza Rima if that is the style you choose to keep.

(a)When sandstorm life cuts marks to make a scar.
(b)When aging furrows, wrinkles deeply show,
(a)With glamour cover what we really are

(b)Behind the smiley face indwells a no,
(c)disguised beneath thick costumes, beauty mask
(b)Cosmetics, cheapish shadow, liners glow.

(c)When life springs up with heavy boring task
(d)And puts on extra burdens, makes you crawl
(c)You need a happy soul in which to bask

(d)Behind the glowing countances enthrall
(e)Behind the sweetest kiss is falseness brought
(d)Behind the stylish glasses tears still fall

(a)convention plays a card we cannot bar
(a)When sandstorm life cuts marks to make a scar.

Oh my god, I didn't mean to do surgery on it or basically rewrite it. I am so sorry. This appears as if I didn't appreciate your piece, which I most assuredly did. I hope I didn't offend you. Your piece as it stands is beautiful. I didn't like the last line of the first tercet and there were two lines that had 11 syllables instead of the 10 necessary for iambic pentameter (which isn't a rule, but generally is the chosen meter for this form). I apologize so much. I overstepped my boundaries and I hope you can forgive me for it. You are a wonderful poet!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Thanks for the effort that you've put to fix this . Of course I don't mind it . I like to see how others would convey the same message. I believe there are hundreds of ways with which we can say the same thing. I've changed the line that you didn't like , so I hope it reads and conveys a better message now.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I am humbled both by the fact you said my comment inspired you to complete the Terza Rima and that you didn't mind that I encroached upon your intellectual property. It was beautiful as it was. You inspire me.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

some of the lines seem to read to me as a little forced with reverse syntax, and that spoils it for me a llttle
...(but lol - youv know how fussy i am by now, so you shoud really probably just ignore me : )

i like the edit don has given you

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

a preferable form I mean the Terza rima or the couplet or none?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

the tera rima
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

"some of the lines seem to read to me as a little forced with reverse syntax, and that spoils it for me a llttle"

Hi juddy
The fact that Wesley has never objected the reverse syntax always encourages me to write this way especially if I don't have other options or I would have a problem in the meter so which should I keep the meter or the syntax , that's the question.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

it is a personal choice
myself, i think, unless it is done well, reverse syntax gives the reader the idea that the line was difficult to write, and more often than not sounds forced.... but that is just me
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Both works are beautifully penned and well thought out, just take a little care in where in the second piece one maybe wording something that others may have said before in their simplicity, this is where they sound forced I think that maybe a reflection of how often the idea's are used.
Now this is where the now poets have to excel in their own words..
We have to invent new phrases that churn the mind and refreshes the soul, your Castle and Smile, in the second piece lacked a newness, the others were much better, in that they twisted and shouted out a new feeling.
Hope that you can see what I mean by a newness,
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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