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Come back
Return, return to me,
Come back to the love we once had.
I so wish your face to see,
Surely not everything was only bad.
I see us happy as we once were
Each time my aching eyes are closed.
All else before me is just a blur,
My faults and fears fully exposed.
Return, return to see,
I am again as I once was, I try.
I hope what you want is still me,
Although alone sometimes I cry.
Being happy again with you
Is what in my silent prayers I mention.
Tell me what it is I need to do
To bring us out of this contention.
Return, return to me,
Come back to our happy place.
The cause for your smile I long to be,
A big wide smile on your shining face.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Lavender
Tue, 2022-10-04 20:12
Come Back
Hello, Jack,
There is a nice tight rhyme here. At first read, the word "contention" seemed awkward, but it really adds to the poem. It gives the feeling of an argument happening, with the potential and hope for reconciling. I see you use punctuation at the end of some sentences, and not at the end of others. Maybe skip the punctuation at the end of all sentences? I think the pauses would still flow naturally, and the poem may look smoother. I feel the longing and sadness in the first three stanzas, and the longing turning to hope and happiness in the final two.
Thank you!
L
Jack W. Stanley
Sun, 2022-10-09 16:00
Hello L,
Your suggestion is much appreciated. I did try omitting punctuation in some of my poems (in my native tongue for now) and I liked it. I will experiment with this more. My first impulse was to follow the rules as if it were a regular text, but you are right, poetry allows some freedom prose usually does not.
Thank you for your comment on the poem's emotional potential as well.
Cheers!
Jack
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