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Acceleration

Submitted by Jack W. Stanley on Sat, 2022-11-19 12:06

What we wish all our lives
Is for days to rush and hurry,
Until the next paycheck comes,
How to survive we always worry.

Trapped in a loop, we all are,
Running only to stand still.
We may even sell the car
Just to pay some f**king bill.

Brain fools itself into thinking
A small difference can be made,
But somehow life’s final bill
Ends up being overpayed.

If only we could hit the brakes
While hurtling to our crate,
But there’s nothing we can do,
Nothing but accelerate.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Triskelion

Sat, 2022-11-19 12:11

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It's a good one. The meter sets a perfect pace for the message. I'd like to see the word "worry" in S1,L4, but overall entertaining and relative.

Cheers!

Thomas

.
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Jack W. Stanley

Sat, 2022-11-19 18:51

You are absolutely right. The word "worry" would be perfect for the rhyme. I will think about the alternatives for this line so it can be incorporated.
Thank you for your comment.

Cheers!

Jack

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Geezer

Sat, 2022-11-19 15:57

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I would like to see the word worry in that line. How about: We do nothing but worry."? All in all, a good poem that just about anyone can sympathize with. ~ Fast paced and relevant! ~ Geezer.
.

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Jack W. Stanley

Sat, 2022-11-19 18:52

Thanks for the comment. I will consider some alternatives as I completely agree.

Cheers!

Jack

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Lavender

Sat, 2022-11-19 21:13

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Hello, Jack,
I like this very much. My favorite lines:

But somehow life's final bill
Ends up being overpaid (overpayed / spelling?)

I stumble a bit with the first line of the final stanza. Perhaps "If only we could hit the brakes..."
I agree - this is relatable to all of us.
Thank you,
Lavender

Jack W. Stanley

Sun, 2022-11-20 18:30

SInce English is not my native language I was unsure, so I googled the spelling and used what came out as a result.

As for the line you mention, you are absolutely right. The stumbling line is a leftover from the beginning where I tried to follow ABAB stanza rhythm. Your suggestion is much appreciated and immediately implemented.

Thank you for reading and for your comment.

Cheers!
Jack

author comment

Jack W. Stanley

Wed, 2023-01-25 06:08

Sometimes I feel like a hamster in a wheel. It would be great if we could break away and be ourselves, all day, every day...

Cheers,
Jack

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