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THE CHICK

One Sunday evening I remember,
Just a little before night ‘twas exactly twilight.
I walked till I found this chick
Trying hopelessly: jumping, hopping and squealing
Hoping to get out of the gutter hole
In which mother hen has left her
After so many failures in bringing her out, or so I thought.
I would help her out,
But my weary legs would not yield to my mind;
Because I like the chick is trapped and shackled in the dark
Prison of my thoughts;
Shouting, screaming and stretching forth my hands
And waiting for your hand to pull me out.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

This honest, austere snapshot of life reads as still moving. There is no artifice, just truth. IT was beautiful from the beginning but the reverse perspective of the chick trying to reach the writer really did it for me. Exceptional work!

Ron

BlueDemon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Because I like the chick is trapped and shackled in the dark
Because I, like the chick am trapped and shackled in the dark

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Firstly welcome to Neopoet, and what an entry you have had two comments already and from Jess and Ron.
Here we have many workshops for learning and the Personal Message side you can use to ask others questions..
You will soon find out the ones that have the technical side to poetry (Not Me) but this will take time, I think we have about three poets from Nigeria now, have a look around and find them and together I think you could become very strong in the poetry field..
Take care, look forward to seeing more from you, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

wellcome to neopoet,

its really good to have you here in our midst. i like your oem and they are very fascinating. lets see and read more of you bro.

thank you all for your comments. never found any site as this. i will make the necessary corrections.

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