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CHARIOT TO HELL
There lived in the old days, a charioteer,
Who strapped his horses to their yokes in fear,
With a hitch so tight it would bend their yoke,
And make the straight shaft, a crooked joke.
But the mares, like all mares, had a common sense,
Which could smell out grog, on certain gents,
They could always tell when the driver was drinking,
So they made a plan with their equine thinking,
To repay the hurtful hitch from stinging..
Well they headed off firstly at a careful trot,
As the driver yelled gibberish, abuse and rot,
But the horses plan when the reins were taut,
was a horse-head jerk and a fiery snort.
The driver then hollered, like a drunk demented.
Was jarred on the cobble-stones as a canter was entered
No heed paid the horses and/or no mind,
When the straps were pulled from far behind,
Sprang then, therefore to a rousing gallop,
So danger to his nibs would suddenly develop.
Now the driver went for cruelty when the whip was around,
So he rashed very heavy as he brought it down,
And the horses pig-root with a spiteful frown,
Caused the chariot to lurch, on the rock strewn ground,
And topple the driver like a drunk circus clown.
The whip went high and cracked a note,
At the speed of sound, the whip had spoke,
And the horses bucked hard against the yoke,
As the harness bent the shaft, which almost broke.
The driver bounced around and continued his swears,
He burped and puked and yelled at the mares,
But pulled on the reins as hard as could be,
As wheels hit ruts and roots of trees.
Throughout all this ride he was feeling unwell
Too much had drunk there was ringing of bells,
His whole life flashed before his eyes as well,
And he felt impending doom of his own death knell,
His vomit imbued him with its awful smell,
As he coughed and spluttered and in sickness fell,
And the only thing now, he could plainly tell,
Was the devil's own ride is a chariot to hell.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words:
This poem was written over the past few days inspired by the contest of the same name.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Wed, 2023-02-08 06:53
Genius
That’s a great spin on that theme. Good luck in the contest.
Tim
Poets Hand
Wed, 2023-02-08 15:20
Chariot to Hell
Thanks Tim for reading the poem and drawing a comment on it. Is that GENIUS I see in the commentary? This is the name of my computer, and my hard-drive is called Mastermind.
Poets Hand
Hannah
author commentMichael Keens
Wed, 2023-02-08 08:05
I attempted this theme but
I attempted this theme but couldn't workout how to go about it. You've done it brilliantly
Poets Hand
Wed, 2023-02-08 15:27
Chariot to Hell
Thanks Michael, I wrote this poem over the past few days hoping to get across a nice little story but chariots have few parts that one can refer to. They have straps not yokes and the shaft is actually called the 'pole' so you see I took some liberties. Anyway the poem emerged from the bowels of despair and I have what I have.
Thank you once again.
Poets Hand
Hannah
author commentAlex Tanner
Wed, 2023-02-08 08:14
Loved it
Another very readable piece of work. I love the way you tell your stories clearly and simply, nothing fancy. Alex
Poets Hand
Wed, 2023-02-08 15:31
Chariot to Hell
The idea of this poem came to me as I imagined a driver of a chariot being jostled about as they raced their chariot down a cobbled street. So I writhed my story around this core.
Thank you once again Alex
Poets Hand
Hannah
author commentSeren
Wed, 2023-02-08 11:21
Chariot to Hell
Dear Hannah,
I had a laugh maybe I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it he deserved everything he got in the end. This is a brilliant take on the chariot to hell theme.
I remember being a young woman going camping in the bush and we all rode out. I loved my horse like family. Well that night I had the first drink of anything I'd ever had. Thanks be to God my horse took it easy on me on the ride home. My head felt like I had axes and machetes inside it hacking at my brain. It pays to be kind to animals. Wink lol
Good luck in the competition, I think it's a real winner.
Kindest regards
Jayne
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Poets Hand
Wed, 2023-02-08 15:40
Chariot to Hell
Hi There! I'm glad I made you laugh. I enjoy writing poems that make people laugh. I will post another comical poem tonight. They may not be the best poetry ever written but they are easy to read as I sacrifice a lot of twisted words and deeper meanings in order to get the story across. (Unlike Mopoke on a Fence)
I can't think of anything more tragic or discomforting than to ride a horse while suffering a splitting headache. The constant bouncing up and down would be worse than walking and that itself is precarious.
Thank you once again beautiful Seren
Poets Hand
Hannah
author commentRoseBlack
Wed, 2023-02-08 18:24
Amazing
What a great tale and another fabulous story. You definitely rose to the challenge!
~RoseBlack~
Poets Hand
Wed, 2023-02-08 18:43
Chariot to Hell
I quite like these challenges you never know how the story will unfold. I can only hope that this one is not too gruesome.
I lack the ability to write in a few words the descriptive unfolding of ideas that I see in poems on this site. I admire your own work and others who can bring forth imagery like magic. I simply lack that ability.
Maybe I will learn something if I stick around, after all I have only been here a week. I am just starting to get a feel for Neopoet.
Thank you
Poets Hand
Hannah
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2023-02-08 18:40
Your rhyme...
is impeccable! A really funny story that had my full attention until the well-deserved end. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Poets Hand
Wed, 2023-02-08 18:49
Chariot to Hell
Thank you Geezer for the positive feedback. I am glad the poem amused you, that was the intention and I am pleased that you said you hung on till the end. Its good to know that I am achieving these milestones.
Thank You once again
Poets Hand
Hannah
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2023-02-09 09:14
I have...
on occasion, written some long pieces and appreciate the value of reading until the end. It is not a hard thing to do when the story is interesting. This one was. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Poets Hand
Thu, 2023-02-09 14:06
Chariot to Hell
Thank you Geezer for reading to the end to find the punchline. I am pleased and gratified that you enjoyed the poem. I have never had so many compliments on my poetry as I have experienced over the past week. This has been terrific but it seems always to be the same people? Does this mean I am not reaching others or that this core of readers and commentators are doing so for everybody?
Thanks again for the time that you put into answering every poem.
Poets Hand
Hannah
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2023-02-09 14:46
That is something...
we are working on. Yes, we do have a core of commentaters
that try to make up for those who do not comment. There are, [as you might expect]
those that are either shy about commenting and critiquing, don't realise that it is an
important thing, or those that just use the site to "dump" their work here
to see how many compliments they get. We are not like many sites that do not care
about improving our work and just want friends. Thank you for asking about this,
it shows that you are serious about improving your work and caring about the community.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Poets Hand
Thu, 2023-02-09 15:36
Commenting on the work of others
I take it that it is acceptable to comment on occasional poems that catch my eye. I cant comment on every poem I read I'd be here all day. I thought it would be nice to comment on poems of those people who comment only on my pieces but this seems unbalanced. Is this the right thing to do?
Poets Hand
Hannah
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2023-02-09 18:32
Comment on anything...
that moves you. That is the way most of us do. I have been here about 14-15 years and try to comment on those who take and give advice, and those that look like they will turn into really good poets. I give everyone a chance to critique and comment, the ones that reply and thank us for the critique and comments always get some back, the ones that don't; don't last very long here, because we largely ignore them, and after a while, they get tired of not having the "Oh, you are so good"
and "This is fantastic!", and they go somewhere else to get their feel goods! We also have the ones that never make changes, even as they say that the advice is good! ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Poets Hand
Thu, 2023-02-09 18:51
On Commenting on marvelous works.
Thanks for giving me permission and insights into how and what to comment on. Sometimes I find it difficult to pass a comment as I am lost for words. I don't want to give away the plot (I have already made that mistake on one of my own poems here) So I'll have to learn how to say positive things in an ambiguous way. I am not very good at this but I guess I'll learn as time goes by.
Poets Hand
Hannah
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2023-02-10 09:45
Permission?...
I certainly don't have the right to give permission. Like I said, that is the way that most of us do here. It is not necessary to comment on everything; if you were to do that, you would have to expend an enormous amount of time on the site. Rather, pick and choose what you find worthy of comments [and critique], and the ones that you find interesting. I am essentially a retired homebody who has emphysema, so I don't go anywhere much. I have the time and the inclination to do what I do.
Now about critique. There are times when I give my opinion and tell writers the things that I feel can make their work better.
I do not expect them to take every word I say as gospel and implement it all. No one HAS to take my opinion about anything.
If you choose to use some or none of my ideas, it's up to you. You may even take an idea and make it better than mine. Sometimes, when I see a writer that has little to no confidence and/or experience, I will try to be cautious about tearing up their work and bombarding them with criticism. That doesn't help or encourage them. I'm sure that you will quickly learn how to deal with it all. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Poets Hand
Fri, 2023-02-10 16:09
writing a critique
Thanks Geezer I take your advice seriously and I will be selective on what I comment on. I know how new poets gobble up accolades myself included because I need to gauge how my poetry is received by others if I am to continue writing.
Each new poem I read fills me with new insights and ideas so my reward is there and each new comment I make helps develop my evaluation skills give me practice in relaying accreditation to the poet.
Thank you
Poets Hand
Hannah
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