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CAN I GO AGAIN ONE MORE TIME?
Destined to be love's fool
Used and abused until I'm a blunt tool.
Like the serpents of old that spit and drool
Love swallows me whole
As ancient majestic snake do
Just to cough me out into her chamber pot
Where I am but one with her stool,
Reduced to nothing but sadness and rot,
I wallow in her slime and grime
To find rock bottom there were hell lies
In my sad state, heaving heavy sighs
I can't help but stare into her remorseless eyes
Where upon I glimpse a terrible beauty in her hate
A kind of hot hate that burns brighter
And brighter as any star at heaven's gate
Sure, one cannot deny this to be a cruel fate
And yet, I feel it is of a certain fascination
To die by the hand of your God.
And Love, my god, she has never spared the rod
Though cruel the Condemnation
Still I find that with my whole,
I strive for that one goal
So in persuit of my complete annihilation
I whisper into her dark soul
Urged on by a need only addicts could name
"Can I go again just one more time!?"
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
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Is the internal logic consistent?
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Last few words:
It's an old poem of mine
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-03-20 10:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Can I Go Again One More Time?" presents a vivid portrayal of a person trapped in a destructive cycle of love, using strong and evocative imagery. The use of metaphors and similes, such as "Used and abused until I'm a blunt tool" and "Like the serpents of old that spit and drool", effectively conveys the speaker's feelings of being used and degraded.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The irregularity of the line lengths and the inconsistent use of rhyme can make the poem feel disjointed and disrupt the flow of the narrative.
Furthermore, the poem could benefit from a clearer structure. The narrative seems to jump between different ideas and images, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow the speaker's train of thought.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more precise language. Some phrases, such as "a kind of hot hate that burns brighter" and "I strive for that one goal", are somewhat vague and could be clarified to more effectively convey the speaker's emotions and experiences.
Overall, the poem effectively conveys a sense of desperation and self-destruction, but could benefit from improvements in rhythm, structure, and precision of language.
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Words Ablaze
Wed, 2024-03-20 11:06
Good eye..
Well thank you for the deep diving analyses
I'll see to it all.
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2024-03-20 14:24
Dear Words Ablaze,
I feel horrified by the situation in your poem. To think that one is defiled and seriously abused cause me discomfort. I hope this is fantasy and not reality. If it is fantasy, then you are a master of imagination and have a deft mind to turn a phrase. but if reality, my suggestion is to run away fast . while I, and the rest of Neopoet fly to your house to bitch-slap the evil that feeds off of you!
*concerned, Cat
*
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