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Botulism

Emotions feel much less like
they are bottled up
more like they are canned
poorly
waiting to spill, sticky and dense,
from a leaky unboiled
Mason jar
or waiting to sour and sicken
everyone who shares the meal

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like the title, but it needs something. How about "Emotional Botulism?" or something like that?
Your language is good, the theme is too. I wish it were a little longer and I would start the first line with [My]. ~ Geezer.
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Thanks so much for the feedback. I had originally hoped to write this as a 5-7-5 senryu, but I just couldn't condense it that far. I will see if I can conjure up more ideas to add on to it and work on your suggestions as well.

Appreciate it,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

author comment

I think is ok by me

always remember to make a critique of other poems
using the hoe is not madness for nothing

Thank you for the feedback. I will be working on it.

Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

author comment

content is excellent, draws you in and makes a clear image that expands.
A few things- you have a few commas, a few Caps. I just feel a poem looks less polished if it's not consistent in punctuation or caps. "All or nothing".
I personally do not love the title as much, though. I forgot what it was so looked it up...connecting emotions to a food bacteria disease that causes severe fatigue.. I felt was too far a stretch in an otherwise excellently done work, full of irony and wit.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you so much for the feedback. I started with the idea of botulism, being caused by poorly canned foods, and realized it reminded me of the idea of "bottling up" our emotions. A lot of people feel like bottling up their emotions is a sustainable coping mechanism, so I wanted to explore the idea of how to describe it when its not successful. Those emotions eat away at a person like a bacteria or make everything in their life start to go bad as if with mold when there is no proper catharsis in a person's life. So I am invested in keeping the title in some way, but I'm totally open to changes. Gee did suggest expanding on the title to be something like "Emotional Botulism". Thoughts on that?

I don't usually go for an all or nothing approach in my capitalization and punctuation. I think I used to be that way some years ago, but slowly I drifted away from it. I grew to where I did not like capitalizing every line unless I was going for a rather formal or classical or structured western form, but I write mostly free verse. At the same time, I didn't like to totally neglect those mechanics unless I was purposely using spacing and form to utterly direct the pace/flow of the poem.

Sometimes (especially with my shorter poems) I write in such a way that the poem is like one long run-on sentence, so my capitalization follows that (not really stream of consciousness style, but inspired by it). That is the case with this poem. The only extra capital is on Mason jar, because Google tells me that is actually a proper noun. With that in mind, I definitely need a period at the end of the poem. That may help the run-on sentence idea come across more. If I added more punctuation, what/where would you suggest it, if you don't mind elaborating?

Thanks again,
Kelsey

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment. Neopoet is a workshop and is designed to share your poetry, receive and make critique of the work posted, and most importantly, for you to evolve as a poet.

www.kelsey-burroughs.weebly.com

author comment

As a short poem, sure. I put a comma after canned to stop the reader even further, as "poorly" is a line unto itself and therefore needs an extra space. I gave the word "everyone" some space, because it means everyone and me too, and I felt needed it. Title is just a suggestion .

FOOD ROT

Emotions feel much less like
they are bottled up;
more like they are canned,
poorly,
waiting to spill, sticky and dense,
from a leaky unboiled
Mason jar
or waiting to sour and sicken
everyone
who shares the meal.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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