Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
The Blue Ministry
The Blue Ministry
They found me in the graveyard
I found a tooth and been drinking laid up
it was her grave, good as any
The rain was a ministry
the brambles broke in my mouth
I didn’t care at all
The cops came up
said what you doing boy
I said just killing time he said it’s killing us
Both of em kicked me
He said you don’t bother potter’s field
or it’ll bother you
I put the tooth in my pocket
They dragged me to the exit clawing
There wasn’t any car there
It was a police boat the streets were flooded
I said what in the hell
They said shut up boy
Everyone got to go some time.
I said I get sea swoll on them things
One had sunglasses the other had coalminer’s eyes
bitter as the moon
He said don’t worry I got something
And there was orange Dramamine
flake on a wafer
Things got cool and slow
I fingered my lips they was all red
Red on my fingers
I raised my collar proud
It was clown silk
The rain was a ministry.
My cheeks were rouged in small hexes
I stood we went over Miss Ahuata’s grave
I said I’m in a painting for damn sure
I tried to light a cigarette
but my arms were paddles.
And the police had gone
said to no one I knew
“This is cool and slow”
Slower than I’d thought
I sucked in and spat
the tooth out
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Other recent work
Active Workshops & Contests
Contest
Workshop
- Splash Pool: How to use imagery in poetry..
- Wading Pool: Neopoet How To Video Resources
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 2
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 1
- Plunge Pool: Stream Workshop
Comments
jane210660
Sat, 2017-04-15 16:03
Wow, you like your murders
Wow, you like your murders don't you?
I like a bit of Gothic and you seem to be very good at it.
Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
fink555
Sat, 2017-04-15 16:47
There's no
There's no murder in this one. It is written in the vein of Frank Stanford, a Gothic poet, yes.
Think about the River Styx. Fate.
author commentjane210660
Sat, 2017-04-15 17:03
Ah
Wasn't sure if the subject had done the grisley deed - or if the boys in blue had sent the subject to a higher plane. My over reading.
But still like the Gothic vibe.
Jx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
swamp-witch
Sun, 2017-04-16 12:21
Hey Fink
I can see this one as a sort of prose poem, a story, and I love that. I really enjoy the Gothic mode of it! I will have to check out Frank Stanford as well.
What are your thoughts on where you'd like to go with this rough draft? Anything in particular you would like to focus on?
A few suggestions to get you started:
"I found a tooth and been drinking laid up" --> "I found a tooth and was drinking laid up". I think "was" will fit better here because it matches the past tense that you use with "found". When I read "been" I want it to read "have been" which is a different tense, so if you like that better, you might try "I had found a tooth and had been drinking laid up".
My other suggestion would be to consider using a little more punctuation to help define where you want the reader to pause or how you want them to read the lines. For example:
I found a tooth and been drinking laid up --> I found a tooth and been drinking, laid up
I didn't care at all --> I didn't care at all.
I said what in the hell --> I said, "what in the hell?!"
Hope this helps,
Kelsey
Critique, don't comment.
Community guidelines: https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
To see our learning resources, click the "Curated Resources" link under the Resources tab in the top menu bar.
fink555
Sun, 2017-04-16 13:18
Thanks Kelsey
I think people used to write this way (guys like Brautigan and most of the time Stanford) a lot.
"I found a tooth" is a Southern expression for "I have a toothache".
author commentthemoonman
Sun, 2017-04-16 13:20
Hello,
Absolutely enjoyed this. I do
think it could be improved but
wouldn't change it much, only
for the music ... it's raw and
fresh and that is part of the
appeal.