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Blistered and Burning
The worst consequence of our ending
is that my life became a chore
and the lack off effect
me leaving had on yours
you left my candle burning
blistering and screaming for more
while I was fading to ash
you were off
declaring a war
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2022-09-08 09:52
Just a couple of little things...
that might make this a little smoother
I would leave out the [worst] making the line say: The consequence of our ending
[and the lack [of] effect
[my] leaving
blister[ed]
Your language use has been addressed
The pace of this one is good and flowed well, from beginning to end.
It's always hard to break off a relationship, and especially hard
when it seems to be harder on you than the other person. Hang in there
there is someone out there that feels the same way as you.
~ Geezer.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Ray Whitaker
Thu, 2022-09-08 18:25
Welcome to Neopoet!
Your writing reminds me of W.C. Williams.
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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