Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

AWAKE

Submitted by klo on Mon, 2013-04-22 01:36

nocturnal daydreams
slumber of elder babies
rescued briefly
battered, beaten, broken ones
inhale deep
relief fading
abrasive, harsh transmission waves
lapping over sacred grounds
soothed lullabies jolted
scorching light consumes
inevitable reality

Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

Esker

Mon, 2013-04-22 13:53

Esker's picture

words like a midnight trolley
full of sparks
and anonymous rush
the trundle of it
on its tracks of steel

"abrasive harsh transmission waves"

my fave line..my love of wavelengths
and theories
connections and inter realities

Thank You!

weirdelf

Fri, 2013-05-10 05:56

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

I usually don't read other's before I respond myself.

And his comment is spot on. Though I didn't like the flow. It reads like a list of thoughts more than a coherent piece. That's ok, especially contextually. Just a few connective words would, in my opinion, make it flow better. Please feel free to ignore me.

This is an exciting and effective poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.