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The festive beats of doom
Intensified metronomically in my bedroom
The raucous raw of invisible laughter
Reverberating through impressionable walls
Echoing in zoom
Tearing my curtains assunder
Pulling down the mighty roofs
Atop my atrocious bed sheets
And uncovering my nudity

I learn my lessons the hard way
I choose to walk the broad way
In the company of mediocrity in broad day
Fused, used and mused, like the potters clay

The music of being young and dumb
Sounds emanating from the dum dum drum
Dancing to the worldly tunes
Failing to heed the outcry
Of the gong and the talking drum

The clock ticks my failure
And exhausts my chances
They say it's nature versus nurture
Yet man accounts for his own architecture
His flaming impulse ruling his pleasure
Recreating his end and flowering his displeasure
He waters the garden daily
But does not live to see it bloom


Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Feel free to set me free
Editing stage: 


Comments guys

author comment

Welcome to neopoet. You are going to find this is a different animal than most poetry sites but in a good way if you are looking to hone poetic skills. I never really critique an author's first post. But I'll let it suffice to say it's apparent this stuff isn't new to you . I enjoyed the read and especially the ending lines. If you have any problems here such as navigating the site or Any questions you can feel free to ask me. If I don't know the answer I'll point you to somebody who does. I hope your time here is fruitful......stan holliday (scribbler)

Thank you Scribbler........I feel at home already by your jovial gesture

author comment

Welcome to Neopoet!

If I may be honest, I think your first stanza is the strongest. The imagery, the word choices, and the rhyme all work together to make a stanza that makes a reader really take their time and absorb the message and that's fantastic. With that in mind, I think the potency comes back in the final stanza and the middle two stanzas trail off a little bit. I'm not sure what I would suggest to make them stronger to better fit the rest of the poem, but I will give it some time and come back to you to let you know some ideas. I hope you don't mind this comment, I'm just trying to help. It's still your poem, so if you disagree that's totally okay!

Take care,

Advocates Coordinator

Critique, don't comment.

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Thanks a lot......I really do appreciate your constructive criticism of my work.....sincerely looking forward to more comments and new innovative ideas from you. I remain my humble self.....feel free to set me free

author comment

I'm liking your poem! I have a thing for rhyme and you seem well up to the task. I can only echo the above comments and hope that you take them and any others as helpful to your work. I notice that your poem seems to be entered in the August contest, but I think you might go back and read the parameters and maybe read some of the other entries to get a better idea of what the judges are looking for. Not that your poem isn't good enough to compete and even win, but try again and good luck. ~ Geezer.

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author comment

Thanks thanks......I'll do better to please you more.....really do appreciate your observations in whatever form they come

author comment
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