Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

ANYTHING FOR ATTENTION (Nov. Contest)

On the same corner every day
stands one as slender as can be.
Once in a while her form might sway
almost with sexuality.

Too many folks have passed her by
hardly giving her a glance.
Perhaps they can not even see
that she just needs a chance.

Until at last in desperation
as coolness tints the autumn air
she changes her coat's coloration
in hope that folks will see her there.

And they look but that is all.
She feels their eyes upon her form
and thinks they'd like to see it All.
They'd see that shed that which keeps her warm.

So at last she slowly strips
on that corner for all who care to see
underneath a sky that wanly drips
until her limbs are all set free.

And now she quivers in the wind
as her frock lays all around;
an embarrassed sugar maple tree
autumn leaves all on the ground.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Beautiful story, I could feel the state of that tree as though she were a woman - you set the tone for this when you write of "sexuality". You have made me feel sympathy for a maple tree - which is quite an accomplishment!

After reading it twice, the rhythm feels a little off - consider replacing "occasionally" with "at times" (first stanza), and adding commas and —s where needed, as well as changing up some words like "embarrassed" (last stanza).

"So, at last— she slowly strips
on [that] corner for all to see,
underneath a sky [that] wanly drips
until her limbs are all set free."

Consider adjusting the punctuation to make the flow smoother. Especially adding more commas, because at times it felt as though I was stuttering trying to read it start to finish.

I do love the ending, 'autumn clothes all on the ground' - very vivid, makes me want to look out the window and find my own autumn trees divested of clothes. I enjoyed the read, thank you.

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

Scansion is my Achilles heel I think. I tend to put stresses where I want them instead of where they really are lol. I reckon you already know I'm an editaholic at times so you can be assured even this little contest poem will eventually get another look. And when it does I'll certainly keep you ideas in mind......stan........WHAT??? spell check says no such word as editaholic

author comment

hope in winter
when nude or naked
the bark tightens in
and keeps all
insides warm

Nature has its ways of warding off the cold

author comment

Wish I had thought of this one! Really great story, with all the innuendo and simile. Just the kind of thing that I love. I would agree with Steph. but fat lot of good it would do this old Geezer. I've been after you for years, to take a little more pride in your pattern, rhythm and so on. Well, maybe because she is a pretty, young thing she will have better luck than I. Lol
Good story, nice picture and mostly, well done! ~ Gee.
.

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

You are pretty and young too..........LMAO! But I would have thought you noticed I'm editing stuff all the time. I'm posting little enough lately as is without waiting to perfect a poem before posting. But OK I'll try to do better you cute thing.........stan

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.