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Anita

Submitted by Bryan on Mon, 2012-05-21 23:58

She is old, maybe beyond her years
traveling the streets pushing her cart.
Her eyes show many of us our fears
of living, perhaps, beyond our years.
Yet she shows her dignity not tears.
Having little—she shares from her heart.
She has witnessed so much in her years
traveling with keepsakes in her cart.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Tue, 2012-05-22 01:26

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the hard consonance in
‘keepsakes in her cart’ is extremely effective in promoting the mood of the harshness of her life

and i like the repetition of the word ‘cart’, emphasising the point

the rhyme and rhythm portrays a gentleness and establishes the empathy of the narrator with anita

there is nothing I can see to offer that would make any difference to this excellent write
I can only suggest you use a couple of commas
‘traveling the streets(,) pushing her cart.’
and
‘ Yet she shows her dignity(,) not tears.’

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Bryan

Tue, 2012-05-22 15:36

Bryan's picture

My high school English teacher did not understand the comma. About the only accepted comma use she had was for two of them to set off an aside within a sentence. Consequently there is a whole generation of folks from my area with a subconscious fear of commas.

Please nail me on comas as the need arises.

Thanks for you comment

Bryan

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-05-22 04:18

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it is as if you have invented a new form.

and you do credit to your your Imagist influences.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Bryan

Tue, 2012-05-22 15:48

Bryan's picture

The base of this form is, of course, the triolet. I would guess that Hardy is the modern master of the form. Any poem with only 8 lines -and just 5 unique lines -can get stale and sing-song in a hurry. Many have turned to "tweaking" the repeated lines, keeping the rhyming word and general intent, to add a bit of flavor.

I write triolet in both the original and the tweaked form.

Thanks for your comment -glad the imagery came through.

Bryan

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-05-24 00:51

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I haven't written one in over 30 years, and seldom see them written.
Bloody well done.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

phxdreams

Thu, 2012-05-24 22:49

This echoes not only the hardness of her life...but, the beauty of the person she is. you have a wonderful talent of allowing the reader to really be able to fall into a poem. :D

Bryan

Fri, 2012-05-25 01:33

Bryan's picture

Thanks

Bryan

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