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24 (and?)

Submitted by M4GG0TM3NT4L on Tue, 2023-09-26 02:02

I think I hate myself.
day in and day out,
Thinking only about slicing through
my skull like eggshell.
The only way to rid of this hurt,
is to bury my brain and heart,
Six feet under the dirt.
Both organs, only bleed
for you right?
How I despise when you're not in my sight,
Late hours into the night,
where I worry and worry,
Sometimes,
when I think of you,
it feels like I'm clawing at a horrible scab.

It's alright,
I still love you.
I don't think
I could love anyone else,
no matter how poorly you treated me,
or how much you made me cry,
Because, Michelle,
Those moments with you
are when I truly know I'm alive.
And I think I hate myself for it.
I've been seeing things, you know.
Just out of the corner of my eye,
things that want me
to die,
Monsters that want my bones,
always following me, always close,
Please
don't leave me alone.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Tue, 2023-09-26 08:02

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "24 (and?)" explores themes of self-hatred, obsession, and the complex emotions associated with a toxic relationship. The use of vivid imagery and personal introspection adds depth to the poem. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be strengthened:

1. Structure and Flow: Consider organizing the poem into stanzas or sections to enhance the flow and readability. This will also help to emphasize certain ideas or emotions.

2. Clarity and Cohesion: While the poem conveys intense emotions, some lines could benefit from clearer phrasing or more explicit connections between ideas. For example, the line "Both organs, only bleed for you right?" could be rephrased to enhance clarity.

3. Metaphorical Language: The poem contains strong metaphors, such as "slicing through my skull like eggshell" and "clawing at a horrible scab." Consider incorporating more consistent and powerful metaphors throughout the poem to create a cohesive and

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