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Immersing the Reader Via Imagery Part 2

Program description/goal: 

Description:Exploring the effective use of imagery to draw the reader into the poem

Leader: scribbler
Moderator(s): Mark

Objectives:Learning how to "show" instead of "tell"

Level of expertise: Open to all

Subject matter:Imagery in immersion

Length: 
30 days
Number of participants (limit): 
20 people
Skill level: 
Date: 
Sunday, September 22, 2019 to Thursday, October 31, 2019

Comments

We are now entering the meat of this workshop. With this part we will be dissecting, stripping then rewriting poems. We will do this one at a time and in the order in which the members are listed on the workshop tab. DO NOT post a poem until you are asked. When asked by me then post the poem both here and on stream. This original version can be discussed as far as immersing imagery both here and on the stream version of poem.I will assign another member to then "strip" the poem of as much imagery as possible. This stripped version is to be posted only here, not on stream. I will then assign another member to "rewrite" the poem using new imagery.
The general discussion will continue here and the discussion on each poem will take place on stream. I know it might sound complicated but since we will only be doing one poem at a time it really isn't.
Well I guess since my name is first I should post first. Remember you can post Any poem, yours, another member's (with their permission of course) or some famous poet's.

author comment

IN WINTER'S DEEP

I inhale a deep and cold dry breath
then breathe out a cloud of fog
in a forest near as still as death
as I walk beside a frozen bog
where shadows stretch from slanting sun.

This first month of the new year
when heavy frosts greet every day
and antlers desert tired buck deer,
brings memories from far away
like painted leaves now all turned dun.

Tired legs lead me to a stump
where I sit to rest a while
and listen to my old heart thump
after hiking a mere quarter mile.
Far off I hear a lone hound run.

How many winters have I left
both behind and yet to come?
One day I'll leave these woods bereft.
I sigh, arise, my seat now numb
then head back to where I had begun.

author comment

Pugilist you are assigned to strip this poem of imagery. Please be sure to post the stripped version only on the shop thread

author comment

Samary, would you be so kind as to take his place in deleting the imagery?

author comment

Am away from home until tomorrow will do it then, or feel free to reallocate sorry have been away since Tuesday. Sam

If you received a notification of this message in your New Updates then please check in. There seems to be a problem.
Thanks,

~Mark~

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We will await your return. In the mean time we can discuss whether causing a sense to be recalled is as good as actually using the sense in a poem.......ideas everybody?

author comment

I'm not sure exactly what the difference is. Does not a sense need to be recalled if it is in writing at all? Hmmm... What would the difference be? Are we discussing tense as in past and present in poetry?
Questions arise :~)

~Mark~

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Say you write about hearing a splash. The splash is an audible image but the image also makes one recall the feel of water.

author comment

I wonder if leaving that to the reader is best or if making the two clear would present more opportunity?

The splash that landed on everyone shocked the peaceful crowd ,
soaked from the cannonball dive from the springboard.
Yet it was the stench of rotting fish, as I surfaced, that got mine.

.

~Mark~

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Not sure I understand this Mark.

I am back ...to me hearing a splash is telling... ok it is an
onomatopoeia. But as it stands it doesn't show me where the splash is coming from ...how loud or soft... puddle, lake, basin, bath, wave...connotations or emotions. The word splash doesnt make me feel water the poet needs to make me feel it by adding some imagery.

Yes indeed, lots of opportunity there :~)

~Mark~

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is that in the stead of splash suggesting sound, understanding that splash in water is what it refers to, why not show the splash and the smell (of say a particular lake water)? Again opportunities open up.
or am I reading Stan wrong?

~Mark~

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I splashed within the cold clear creek.........this is easily seen as tactile. But I hear a slash in the creek....now this implies a memory of splashing in the past and by saying in the creek kinda implies cold water as most creek water is cold.

author comment

Hoping for Samantha to remove the imagery in your poem, Stan. Our conversation here may in fact continue after.

Samantha, thanks for the word, onomatopoeia, it is quite a complicated word and I think I have it.
I jumped into the cold lake with a splash that landed on the entire wedding party.
With imagery removed I would say:
There was a splash..
That could mean a lot of things until I go on to define splash with imagery?

~Mark~

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IN WINTER'S DEEP

in a forest near as still as death
as I walk beside a frozen bog

This first month of the new year
when heavy frosts greet every day

brings memories from far away

where I sit to rest a while

after hiking a mere quarter mile.

How many winters have I left
both behind and yet to come?
One day I'll leave these woods bereft.

then head back to where I had begun.

There was a splash in this open cyber pool
Possibilities were endless by it's size
until everybody looked around.
The edges were well defined as a box.
Imagine the opportunities? We all splashed
each other with ideas to swim with,
make a pool party out in this box of imagery.
Words, lines ideas fell upon our minds.
Visions of the box opening to infinity
came to light out of the confusion
that became sensible knowledge.

(off he cuff)
.

__________

~Mark~

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IN WINTER'S DEEP
From Scribbler:

I inhale a deep and cold dry breath
then breathe out a cloud of fog
in a forest near as still as death
as I walk beside a frozen bog
where shadows stretch from slanting sun.

This first month of the new year
when heavy frosts greet every day
and antlers desert tired buck deer,
brings memories from far away
like painted leaves now all turned dun.

Tired legs lead me to a stump
where I sit to rest a while
and listen to my old heart thump
after hiking a mere quarter mile.
Far off I hear a lone hound run.

How many winters have I left
both behind and yet to come?
One day I'll leave these woods bereft.
I sigh, arise, my seat now numb
then head back to where I had begun.
____________

Imagery Removed
from: samary

IN WINTER'S DEEP

in a forest near as still as death
as I walk beside a frozen bog

This first month of the new year
when heavy frosts greet every day

brings memories from far away

where I sit to rest a while

after hiking a mere quarter mile.

How many winters have I left
both behind and yet to come?
One day I'll leave these woods bereft.

then head back to where I had begun.
.
.

~Mark~

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as still as death to me is imagery. also the heavy frosts. also new with year - the first month is the first month of the year so new describes it. also wold remove mere

Its gone very quiet is anything happening?

giving folks time to comment on your stripped version. I fully expect this second part of shop to move a bit more slowly than the first. As to my opinion of your stripped version, I think there's a lot of imagery still left.

author comment

forest and bog conjure up a lot of images for me in fact a ton of images as well as 'still forest'
But one could go lots of places with those images. I wonder if those images would be called general imagery? They could be defined with more imagery you know?
Imagery removed but yea, still a lot there or at least opportunities.
So that being the case it's a good job to leave for another poet.
Later,

~Mark~

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would be removed by participants. This variance has already been allowed for and won't really matter as long as a significant amount is removed

author comment

I would agree with you I should have probably removed silent forest but to me me frozen bog is description not imagery. but that is only my opinion.
It seems that if you have to leave it all to the imagination of the reader then you can throw back in pain, beauty, sadness, all the abstract images we are trying to dismiss. It comes back to the fact we havent pinned down imagery in the context of how we are using it in this workshop and we are all seeing it differently.
Other than those two lines what else would you class as imageryvthat I omitted to remove?

This gets people to thinking a bit more deeply into what imagery can and can't be used in immersing a reader. And it is often used in the poetry which leaves a reader thinking "I liked this poem but don't know Why"

author comment

Thats the whole point of our remit isnt it? We as poets work our butts off to polish a poem that is deceptively simple but we have agonised for weeks to get word choice and sounds and emotions just right to get well honed imagery. Only we know the struggle it has taken ... but we get an end result that moves our readers in some way.

I think I see your concern. This shop deals with using imagery to bring the reader along with the writer more than trying to define what is and isn't imagery. By using different imagery to achieve this than the original author uses this will give us practice in immersing the reader without having to write a poem from scratch. It will also show that many different types imagery can achieve this. I hope I have cleared this up for you.

author comment

My issue is if people don't know what imagery actually is how can they use it? I get you want to get people to change the poem and get people to use different imagery and demonstrate how that changes the meanings and emotions of a poem. Could you clarify immersing the reader in a poem.

with imagery both its definition and use. I didn't want to repeat these shops yet. I've had a number of folks ask me how I managed to make them feel as if they were right beside me in so much of my scribblings (their words, not mine). So this shop is dealing with the immersion ,not definition. And the more attention paid to details in description is indeed the "devil" which so often leads the reader to walk beside the writer.

author comment

I totally agree its sense bound writing that sits the reader on the narrators shoulder. K will try to find your workshops on imagery.

comment on samary's removal of the descriptive terms? ~ Gee.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

if you want to.

author comment

the stripped poem with new imagery put in place. It would be great if the new imagery makes a major change in the poem. Please post the revised poem on stream with the stripped version below it and (imagery shop) next to title.......stan

author comment

want to make sure i am clear. samary's striped version - is that what you want me to add imagery to?

Add your own imagery. This will help show how differing imagery can differ the way a poem is perceived

author comment

i think someone else should try this. i am not ready. i am totally confused. i am just learning and i do not think i am up to this. my apologies

Just add more descriptive images to the nouns.

Ty it:
in a shadowed forest nearly as still as death
as I slowly creep beside a frozen blood trimmed bog
Use your own words and take it somewhere lol
Later,

~Mark~

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off subject but - your line frozen blood trimmed bog. i would like to seal it, change it to a blood filled bog for a poem i am writing. okay?

There will be no grading on this lol. And I don't see how it can be done "wrong". Indeed the addition of almost any imagery will display a different takes on the poem

author comment

i'm working on it. you want it in the stream as if i were posting a new poem? not here?

But post the stripped version either below or above it. Also put(imagery shop) next to title and don't forget to hit the "workshop" tab at bottom of page

author comment

i posted a poem but think i forgot to put imagery shop) anyway, i have not seen it and can't find it

not seen it either. Perhaps you could repost it?

author comment

i am having trouble with things like the following: as still as death and frozen bog. is one imagery and one not? the attempt i made seems to be just adding adjectives. for instance, if i write "in a forest nowhere as still as death" am i using imagery? mark is blood-trimmed bog imagery? and how can a bog be trimmed with blood? don't i have to be realistic

Both are imagery. The trimmed in blood, I think, refers to the red leaves of late autumn surrounding the bog. Now if you use nowhere as still as death you are saying that the waters instead of being smooth are in motion from something like wind or perhaps waterfowl feeding. This displays a sharp change from the original poem but that's not a bad thing as it still puts the reader beside the writer in his/her observations. Is this about as clear as mud? lol

author comment

Mark please choose a poem to post in the shop. It can be one of your or another newport's or a famous poet. Be sure if you post another newport's to get permission.

author comment

Swing the Twenty-Four-Hour Laundromat
By: Mark

Pink and black antique ringers
near ancient wooden guillotines with six legs
on a windowless window stoop
are appreciated by me, in this up mood.
These old things in this new place,
with fish tanks!

I allow my thoughts to run wild
and ponder the wonders
within glass aquariums,
see confused exotic fish swimming slowly
from open submarine portals
after feeding from overgrown
ceramic red mushrooms
with white spots, they
slowly circle round and round
then sway near the tiny ocean floor
and play with miniature sharks,
never biting never fighting taking flight
wanting to be with them, I swim down.
Tall bamboo trees show
above the rising sea of arctic white cubes
wishing to break surface
struggling - bubbly water drifting.

Blue bags mixed up are two late niters,
bumpkins, early morning folk on the run.
Beat, I sort thoughts emotionless, apathetic
without sympathy for
sloppy mixed up players with playing cards shuffling
gabbing unaware – they do not care.

Peepers everywhere watching with one eye – cams.
Nobody is safe, nothing, why not make it safe
everybody have a clambake and a crackling fire
no more worries – nobody on the take.
Guns popping in my mind seek giants reaching
for breezes to beyond the stars.
Shining and overflowing at 3 AM is
this green ATM, catch that toy and cola machine.
After guzzling the liquid beans
I find peace folding her underwear.
Lavender fabric softener - oblivion.

~Mark~

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mark. love this poem. i have a question - what else is new lol? this does not relate to winter's deep. you asked me why i did not put my poem predator on here. i thought it had to be a different version of winter's deep. so i did not think predator fit, although i pilfered the "bog". if i post it on neo, should i post it in the stream or right on here

I believe Stan was simply trying to move on due to lack of response to the exercise. No problem though we waited and are back on track after a lot of discussion related to imagery but not focused exactly on the exercises.
Later,

~Mark~

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Ringers near wooden guillotines with six legs, are appreciated by me, in this mood.
These things in this place with fish tanks
I allow my thoughts to run wild and ponder the wonders within glass aquariums.
See fish swimming from open portals after feeding from ceramic mushrooms.
They circle round and round, then sway near the ocean floor and play with miniature sharks. Never biting, never fighting, taking flight.
Wanting to be near them, I swim down.
Bamboo trees show above the sea of cubes, wishing to break surface.
Struggling - water drifting
Bags mixed up are two late nighters, bumpkins, early morning folk on the run.
Beat, I sort thoughts emotionless, apathetic without sympathy for sloppy, mixed up players, with playing cards shuffling, gabbing unaware - they do not care.
Peepers everywhere, watching with one eye-cams.
Nobody is safe, nothing. Why not make it safe?
Everybody have a clambake, and a fire, no more worries.
Nobody on the take, guns popping in my mind, seek giants to beyond the stars.
Shining and overflowing at 3AM, is this ATM.
Catch that toy and cola machine,
After guzzling the beans, I find peace folding her underwear
Fabric softener - oblivion.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Nice job Gee..
I don't know which I like better actually :~)
Your version leaves room for imagery, that's for sure.
Later,

~Mark~

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I'd like for you to strip the imagery from Mark's poem "Swing the Twenty-Four-Hour Laundromat"
and post the stripped version here on this thread. Thanks........stan

author comment

There seems to be a bit of confusion. Thie shop is meant to help us practice using the many types of imagery to help immerse the reader in a poem. Almost ANY type imagery can be used for this. Indeed even describing the author's thoughts can do this if not over used. It is usually the use of details in describing the surroundings that is easiest and most effective though. " The road forked".....doesn't give much connection does it? "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood"....now this lets the reader see that the road forked into 2 as the writer approached it and also tells the reader that not only is it autumn but that the woods are predominately hardwoods of a type which has yellow leaves in the fall ( Perhaps poplars). The more you can engage a reader by sharing what you see, hear, or feel the easier it is for the reader to walk beside you.

author comment

The more you use sense bound writing and figurative language the more you engage the reader
. What do the other group members feel about imagery use?

using as much imagery as you can without overwhelming the reader and bogging up everything with it.
In other words, don't make it the primary focus of the poem.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

I already had a shop on the right amount of imagery lol.

author comment

i was about to write to someone on this but i will say a little here. when i started writing about two years ago, not having written or read poetry really in 4 decades, i saw many comments about imagery. comments by people i probably should have taken with more than one grain of salt. poems by people, too. even poems i found on net. i think i found the wrong ones, because what i saw was so much imagery in every single line, it distracted me. when i finished reading the poem, i had no idea what it was about. i had to go back and go through each line trying to figure out what all its imagery meant. sometimes i think less can be more. i have been very confused by this. there is imagery i get and love. there is also imagery that shows in such a showy way it hurts my head

Too much imagery which is usually apparent when one says to oneself "Nobody talks like this" is not helpful

author comment

Hanging on an image gives me the feeling that it is a dope that is writing. Someone that cannot move on to a next thought or line or stanza but rather drags out a thought so much that it becomes boring. I myself prefer a fast or 'mad' read lol Maybe that's a fault but I find it more exciting. Perhaps I am more for being shown fast and quickly. Maybe flash in the stead of longer story. Anyhow that's me in my little bitty poetry world. I do wish that writers here in this workshop would do what this workshop prescribes as it's exercises rather than drag out conversation wherever they see a possibility so the conversation regarding those exercises could continue. There are just too many inactive participants here so it seems we look for anything available to comment on.
But in my history online reading amateurs (I'm one) I have seen over and over more experienced poets noting that a post is by a 'dope' referring to those writers that can make an entire page out of an image. I was never exactly sure what that meant though but it was obvious that the writing was as I described.

~Mark~

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Helping the reader see what I do is top priority in the end.
Are the senses included where there is opportunity?
Am I telling a reader what is to see or showing the reader?
I do my best at that and may not always be successful but do try.
I can decide to write quietly but that would be a decision.
.

~Mark~

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even triggering a memory of a sense is included

author comment

Ya never know where one may take a reader I think.

~Mark~

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But its not imagery if its a telling rather than showing. imo anyway.

Please post a poem here to be stripped. Can be a poem of yours, another site member's (ask permission if you use this option) or a poem from a famous poet.

author comment

Still awaiting your revision of "In Winter's Deep"

author comment

i just replied to an earlier comment. i posted it long ago. i put workshop but think i forgot to put imagery thing. i posted it in the stream. i have not seen it and cannot find it

this will make it easier for other participants to spot. If it still doesn't appear let me know and I'll get one of the tech folks involved

author comment

okay. in the regular stream, with imagery shop next to title winter's deep and workshop checked?

am getting confused. i just realized scribbler you must have my version because someplace you mentioned my line "nowhere as still as death". am i just not finding something

glitches go. please post again and we'll see if it sticks this time

author comment

okay

Let's hear what ya'll think is the least used type imagery which can be used in immersing a reader.....

author comment

I couldnt decide between touch and taste I think both are sparsely used.

includes 4 people that are participating.
Stan
Samantha
Mark
Cathy

I wonder if that amount of participants even qualifies this as a workshop.
This is a splash pool yet I see it moving as a puddle in the middle of a road somewhere.

Sorry, but this is all getting frustrating for me.
It is disappointing when things just don't get done and I wonder why?
Later,

~Mark~

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it is a tie between taste and smell with taste maybe having a small edge

author comment

The_____ of incense filled my head.
aroma?
perfume?

The _____ of chocolate pudding was great
savor?
preference?
sample?

There are more options with taste but they are not very tasteful ;~)

Later.

~Mark~

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The aroma is still telling its still too abstract
The pungent, cloying fog of earthy, green wood mixed with resin filled the air.
Steam rose from the pudding bathing me in a cornucopia of deliciousness, vanilla and nectar bound together with threads of coffee, vinegar and velvety darkness, making my mouth water.

Smell is not a seeing image, but probably should trigger images as Mark said. If you only count seeing images, it becomes hard to describe a scene or thing accurately. If I'm having trouble with choosing between descriptions: [aroma, fragrance, perfume]; I will go to the dictionary and look up each word, usually you can get a better feel for the meaning, even though the words mean approximately the same. Although sam did a pretty good job!

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

That's part o the difference between an amateur and a pro I think. You can see when someone is heavy into simply taking words from thesaurus because it stands out like a sore thumb as the difference between how I told it and Sam showed it. But that resource is great for spawning ideas as well as what you say, Gee - reading a dictionary.
Later,

~Mark~

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But imagery is about using the seven senses. It is about using concrete description not abstract expressions. You shouldnt need a thesaurus you should be able to add that layer of description It can be simple it doesnt have to be big words. Its just about adding description and context.

regarding finding ideas to get my words right would be the urban dictionary. In my opinion that resource rips apart the English language.

~Mark~

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Re finding words that is the crux and so often the hardest part. I know I have favourite words and can get tempted into using them and need to go and find synonyms. Thanks Geezer for saying I did a good job...its a fairly ott example lol and probably would need some serious hitting with a hammer to use in a poem.

is an imagery so seldom used that almost any word that denotes smell works

author comment

Or description without using the word at all.

Concrete words are words that you can measure with the senses you can see, hear, touch, taste or smell them they are literal.
This is directly opposite to abstract terms, which name things that are not available to the senses. Concrete terms include spoon, table, velvet, red, hot, walk, bread, water, ice. Because these terms refer to objects or events we can see or hear or feel or taste or smell, their meanings are stable. If you ask me what I mean by the word spoon, I can pick up a spoon and show it to you. I can describe it to you, yes there are different types of spoon but we can all visualise a spoon and what it does. I can weigh potatoes, smell gas but I can't pour beauty into a jug or point out a small amount of anger crawling on the floor. While abstract terms will change at different times in your life and in different circumstances dog, water, run keep static meanings through one’s life.

You may think you understand and agree with me when I say, "We all want affluence." But surely, we don't all want the same things. Affluence means different things to each of us, and you can't be sure of what I mean by that abstract term. If I say "I want a six bedroomed mansion and a Ferrari in my driveway," you know exactly what I mean, and you know whether you want the same things or different things. The concrete terms are clearer and give you more context than abstract terms.

Yet there are times when an abstract can be used to impart imagery. For instance one could say they drove through an affluent part of town or a run down part of town. These words enable the writer to describe varied things that are still of the same type.

author comment

Yes there are times when abstract terms are ok and meet the needs of a piece of writing.. But the use of an abstract term doesnt draw one in as deeply as a concrete description would. There has to be a balance and as background driving through an affluent part of town wouldnt be wrong it wouldnt make me stop linger and ponder what was happening but may set a scenario. I think thats the difference between what is imagery and what is supporting material.

There must be a clear image to support. if not then it is left to the imagination of the reader and that may be OK if your aim is to leave it up to the reader. But indeed it leaves me to pause and ponder.

Do I want my poem to move along in a nice rhythm or do I want the reader to stop and think about what is going on. Am I writing a story or poetry? Do I want my reader to need to stop and put my book down because that reader decides or needs to think about what I wrote after the first few lines? Or in the middle of a line? I myself think not.

~Mark~

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One way to establish a balance in the way you consider senses when writing is to start with a simple listing of the 7 classical senses and to note under each one the images that could be included.  This is not possible with every poem, but it is something that can be useful in some instances.  You would not need to include all of the images you recorded, but perhaps it would indicate a dominant approach and help you to consider maybe two other examples from other senses that could be included. 

about to do something I've never done before. If the ones who have been given assignments don't complete them today you will be booted from this shop. It's not fair for other to wait day after day for you to do your share

author comment

Original poem from Stan:
IN WINTER'S DEEP

I inhale a deep and cold dry breath
then breathe out a cloud of fog
in a forest near as still as death
as I walk beside a frozen bog
where shadows stretch from slanting sun.

This first month of the new year
when heavy frosts greet every day
and antlers desert tired buck deer,
brings memories from far away
like painted leaves now all turned dun.

Tired legs lead me to a stump
where I sit to rest a while
and listen to my old heart thump
after hiking a mere quarter mile.
Far off I hear a lone hound run.

How many winters have I left
both behind and yet to come?
One day I'll leave these woods bereft.
I sigh, arise, my seat now numb
then head back to where I had begun.
_______________
Imagery Removed
from: samary

IN WINTER'S DEEP

in a forest near as still as death
as I walk beside a frozen bog

This first month of the new year
when heavy frosts greet every day

brings memories from far away

where I sit to rest a while

after hiking a mere quarter mile.

How many winters have I left
both behind and yet to come?
One day I'll leave these woods bereft.

then head back to where I had begun.
______________________________

Cathy's Version with new imagery: (please also comment in stream post)

in a young forest nowhere near as still as death
as i walk, footsteps crunching, beside a cracking bog
the burst of my first month of my sunlit new year
warm, even when sugared frosts greet taller days
this blanketed stillness brings covered memories from far away
where i sit with my feet in white turning to water, to rest
long after hiking and sloshing in that melting white
how many leafless winters no needles to thread have i left
both behind and in my mind to forget and yet to come
one day i'll leave these white hot woods bereft
then perhaps head back t the virgin spring where i began
_____
.

~Mark~

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how the feel of the poem can change with a different set of descriptions. With Cathy's version, I feel like it is a colder, harsher woods.

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i see a typo - sorry

haunt me like a wendigo in winter lol

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That's just by a quick scanning.
Normally I will not even read the first line when it starts with i (lowercase) because I believe it was in kindergarten when I learned to capitalize I when referring to myself in writing.
I applaud you, Cathy, for finally doing the exercise..kudos for you.
Later,

~Mark~

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small "i's" like my grandson said, granny you are SO old but your brain is young. i did the exercise right after saying maybe i should not but for some reason it took a while for it to make it here

This is a good example of how a change in imagery can radically change a poem's content while still bringing the reader along

author comment

Lightning Tree
by John Kinsella
.
.
It’s stark white in this hard
winter light. At its base
brackish water spreads like exposed film
out through marshgrass & paperbarks –
a snapped bone, it punctures the skin.
On its splintered crown
the Great Egret stretches, its knifed beak
piercing the cold blue sky –
an inverted lightning strike
fielding its wings –
a crucifix – hesitating,
as if held by a magnet,
then dropping into flight,
dragging lightning rod legs.

.
.

?
what is happening

I got invited to a 3 dat deer hunt and couldn't turn it down lol.Let me consult my notes and I'll give out next assignments this evening

author comment

Mark please strip Sam's poem "Lightnig Tree". Cathy please post a poem here to be stripped.

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some bones slept alone only lonely white shown
on the bottom of a pond
the rest swept in the tides of cold oceans so wide
till they floated out to the beyond

the skeletons cried with stiff jaws opened wide
but no one could hear them moan
blood had been lifted up in the sea's mighty cup
leaving bones lonely and alone

no more tongues to tell of the closed mouths that fell
no longer to life connected
all the words had been eaten by fish with swords
with humanity infected

the muscles have gone, long ago they moved on
leaving bones without lies
the dead now cannot walk, the dead now cannot talk
crying their pitiful cries

and so i t begins, the destruction within
all life forces being corrupted
the decomposition of life's imposition
garden eden, interrupted

who will cry for this lilith, this adam and eve
with God's tongue forever mute
death has been set free to cut down the tree
so no serpent can eat the fruit

i decided this not right poem for this but do not know how to delete. i will post one that can be stripped. i don't know how this could be. i have realized i may need some time. sorry i have been absent - havenot been feeling well. i am used to writing poems that tell and using mostly similes and metaphors. i may have to write one using imagery

We'll just pretend this isn't here lol

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at the first step of dawn
when all looks grey in mist
like a faded negative in a familiar picture,
when the red has not yet poked its head
above the edge of the earth
..>
this is a time
when i feel the earth rhyme
then that red or golden face
hides behind the stand of poplar trees
that stand behind the fields of corn
armies with leaf arms and the hands of don juan
...
old corn cobs like stolen loot
from the dried out armies who still stand
....
and the skies are angel's pillows on a blue bed
..>
the silken strands reflect now in the light
from hundreds of eight-legged lodgers who've moved
to someplace warm
. . .
and that red face in the sky always teases
the brave to greet the dawn

i hope this works. let me know

Will try to get it done by Wednesday night.

~Mark~

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Look forward to it

author comment

Samantha’s Example:
Lightning Tree
by John Kinsella
.
.
It’s stark white in this hard
winter light. At its base
brackish water spreads like exposed film
out through marshgrass & paperbarks –
a snapped bone, it punctures the skin.
On its splintered crown
the Great Egret stretches, its knifed beak
piercing the cold blue sky –
an inverted lightning strike
fielding its wings –
a crucifix – hesitating,
as if held by a magnet,
then dropping into flight,
dragging lightning rod legs.
_____________________

Marks Example (Imagery Removed)
.
White hard light
Brackish water
Marshgrass & paperbarks
puncture the skin.
Splintered crown
Great Egret stretches beak
Cold sky
Lightning strike
Fielding wings
Crucifix
Held by a magnet
Dropping into flight
Lightning rod legs.
.
.

~Mark~

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I'll do next assignments this evening

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Since Drey has not done his assignment he is now out. Geezer, would you be so kind as to strip Mark's Poem? You can also post a poem you want to be used in this shop

author comment

I'll get on it tonight.

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Like a red-hot copper cent
sun rise in the pale blue sky
I know why, the Japanese have lent
Godhead to the reddened, baleful eye

It sizzles, burns the brain
to a spot of flaming crimson
In the bamboo-forest it rains
on the islands of the Nippon

Glorious warmth of red
spreads dim light of dawn
Sleepy night has fled
leaves wet tracks on the lawn

The taste of green is folded up
wrapped in smoky leaves
Steamed in the light of teacup
while the shadows sigh and grieve

Elder trees and bamboo grass
share in the carmine light
Crane and dragon shadows pass
Silhouettes black as night

Cherry blossoms bloom
in the land of the rising sun
Night gives daylight room
and now the dream is done

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Like a red-hot copper cent
sun rise in the pale blue sky
I know why, the Japanese have lent
Godhead to the reddened, baleful eye

It sizzles, burns the brain
to a spot of flaming crimson
In the bamboo-forest it rains
on the islands of the Nippon

Glorious warmth of red
spreads dim light of dawn
Sleepy night has fled
leaves wet tracks on the lawn

The taste of green is folded up
wrapped in smoky leaves
Steamed in the light of teacup
while the shadows sigh and grieve

Elder trees and bamboo grass
share in the carmine light
Crane and dragon shadows pass
Silhouettes black as night

Cherry blossoms bloom
in the land of the rising sun
Night gives daylight room
and now the dream is done

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I'll take on stripping this one tonight

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the double post, my writing program has disappeared after windows ten update. I had to use alternate app from windows seven or eight and it has problems

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Can I join this workshop or is it too late?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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to read which totals well over 200 comments and exercises. Think it over and if you are up to it holler back and I'll add you in

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Here is my poem...

Like a cent
sun rise in the sky
I know why, the Japanese have lent
Godhead to the eye

It sizzles, burns the brain
to a spot
In the forest it rains
on the islands of the Nippon

Glorious warmth of
spreads light of
night has fled
leaves tracks on the lawn

The taste of green is folded
wrapped in leaves
Steamed in the light of teacup
while the shadows sigh and

trees and grass
share in the light
Crane and dragon shadows pass
Silhouettes

blossoms bloom
in the land of the rising sun
Night gives daylight room
and now the dream is done

author comment

Yes, I see that the bones of the poem are there, but how much nicer and more inviting when you have the imagery.

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use of imagery can really make a reader identify with the poem

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Plz. Let me in.
Assigment boss?

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
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To catch up you have 2 assignments. 1. Post a poem you want to have stripped here on this thread.2. Take Geezer's poem which has been stripped and supply new imagery. Post this rewritten poem on stream with (imagery shop) next to title and with stripped version posted right below your rewrite.

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There is another sky,
Ever serene and fair,
And there is another sunshine,
Though it be darkness there;
Never mind faded forests, Austin,
Never mind silent fields -
Here is a little forest,
Whose leaf is ever green;
Here is a brighter garden,
Where not a frost has been;
In its unfading flowers
I hear the bright bee hum:
Prithee, my brother,
Into my garden come!

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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There is another sky... by Emily Dickinson

My stripped version, [very hard to do, unless you take away ALL the descriptive words]

There is another sky
Ever serene and fair
And there is another sunshine
Though it be darkness there
Never mind the forests, Austin
Never mind the fields
Here is a forest
Whose leaf is ever green
Here is a garden
Where not a frost has been
In it's unfading flowers
I hear the bee hum
Prithee, my brother
Into my garden come!

My version...

There is another sky
Ever serene and fair
And there is another sunshine
Though it be darkness there
Never mind the fainter forests, Austin
Never mind the quiet fields
Here is a tiny forest
Whose leaf is ever green
Here is a lighter garden
Where not a frost has been
In it's unfading flowers
I hear the shiny bee hum
Prithee my brother
Into my garden come!

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The stripped version could have been reduced a bit more but that's OK. It made it easier to add a few more words here and there that reenforced the imagery and also helped the reader follow you

author comment

Geez's piece.
Please bear with me.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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How is one supposed to learn as a workshop participant when there is nothing for you to do? I dont feel engaged in tbis process at all. I come and read what is written but am ready to vote with my feet. There is no discussion one person stripping poems is hardly exciting. Why cant we all write new poems on the stripped poems or something I am so fed up with having nothing to do.

Strip Rula's poem of as much imagery as you can

author comment

original
There is another sky ......by Emily Dickinson
There is another sky,
Ever serene and fair,
And there is another sunshine,
Though it be darkness there;
Never mind faded forests, Austin,
Never mind silent fields -
Here is a little forest,
Whose leaf is ever green;
Here is a brighter garden,
Where not a frost has been;
In its unfading flowers
I hear the bright bee hum:
Prithee, my brother,
Into my garden come!

There is another sky ......by Emily Dickinson

And there is
Never mind Austin,
Never mind -
Here is a

Here is a brighter garden,
Where not a;
In its
I
Prithee, my brother,
Into my garden come!

I guess I should have said as much imagery as would be reasonable . But i reckon the person who rewrites it can refer back to the original if they wish

author comment

So K did and her poems are mostly imagery.

I did and thus am not complaining

author comment

There is another pale, blue sky,
So serene and fair
And there is another yellow sunshine
Though there be darkness everywhere
Never mind the dim and dark forests, Austin
Never mind the quiet fields
Here be a smaller forest
Where the leaves are always green
Here a brighter garden
Where no ice has ever been
In it's unfaded flowers
I hear a sweet bee hum
Please, my brother John
Into my garden come!

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A very good change which still keeps the same spirit of the poem

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So far we have practiced stripping imagery and replacing it. But this doesn't really address the use of imagery in immersing the reader. It is my opinion that the use of small details work best in doing this. Trying to relate tondo entire county fair for instance id a bit much. But relating to a slow moving line for a ride at same fair is easier and to describe the fidgeting of the one in front of you might be better. Ya'lls thoughts on this?

author comment

Would you be so kind as to rewrite Rula's poem with new imagery. While you do this the rest of us can post 3-4 tiny details of a concrete side walk. I'll start out : Gritty, stained, newly poured

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I'll get to it.

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I think it's entirely possible to give a good feel of the whole by describing the details of the small part.

For instance:

Sweet smell of fried food in her nose
shifting foot to foot, waiting in line
She watched the long arms
swinging round and round

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on this?

author comment

as much as lively is the picture we draw with the words
the more the reader is engaged.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Like a newly coined cent
sun rises in the yellowish sky
I know why, the Japanese have lent
Godhead to the angry eye

It sizzles, burns the dulling brain
to a spot
In the sleeping forest it rains
on the islands of the Nippon

Glorious warmth now is born
spreads a shy timid-light
night now has fled
leaves damp tracks on the lawn

The taste of green is folded
wrapped in scented leaves
Steamed in the light of teacup
while shadows are thieves

the elder trees and grass
share in the newly born light
Crane and dragon shadows pass
Silhouettes are black as night

Berry blossoms bloom
in the land of the rising sun
Night gives daylight room
and now the dream is done

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Rhyme isn't as easy for some as others. I think you did a good job in keeping the tone of the poem, even though the rhyme made it difficult. The meter fell off in a few places, but all-in-all, nice job for being rushed. ~ Geezer.
.

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For the time and the comment

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
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this was really hard to do. Giving the same feeling is really the most difficult job ever. I'm not satisfied with it, don't know what others think of it.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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A couple of typos in next to last stanza. In my opinion you did well in replacing the imagery. We shall see what others think.

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for the heads up

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Our almost last exercise : Everybody post a poem by somebody other than yourself that you think does an excellent job of drawing the reader in. We will begin with Mark, Lovedly and Samary for tomorrow. Post on stream with (imagery shop) next to title

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have to be one of the participants in the workshop or simply any other than your own?

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poem other than your own. Be sure to credit the author

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I'll get to this as soon as I get Rula's done

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temporal Postures [by Esker]

verdant blush
tender the hush
the pulse fleet
beneath the fingers tip
glisten lip parted
breath
and the night wind
speaks
through chimes
and slender blinds
warmth and seasonal
embracing tension
brighter than stars
sparkling in it's pain
and durations
wavelengths of glorious
hunger
spikes of pleasure
static and charged
the gooseflesh
response on reposed
arm
relaxed wrists scented
moonlight in a water
glass
dancing reflection
of light
with each
and often
gust

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Sounds as if they already are! lol sorry..

in my opinion one of the best contemporary poets not just here but everywhere. And , yes this is a tough one to strip but it can be reduced

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And I take all blame for this. I have been occupied more with deer season than poetry and apologize for this. So, to wrap this up it is time for final assignments. Each person is to take the poem they submitted which was written by somebody else and, keeping the same message as original poem, rewrite its it using imagery which does a better job of immersing the reader. ......................I will not run any future shops during deer season, I promise

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You havent been shooting the poor deer have you?

But I watch far more walk away than I shoot. I shoot about 3 per season to feed family. Just yesterday I saw 18 deer within range including 4 mature bucks and didn't shoot a single one. In fact I should be shooting more as they are getting to the point of over populating their habitat which would result in disease and a severe population decline due to disease and starvation. I saw this happen in Mississippii and it's not a pretty thing to walk through woods and continually walk up on deer skeletons..........

author comment

point made.. x

Were not yot assigned to post their poem by others.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
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It can be a poem by a site member or by anybody other than yourself

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Who has not yet posted a poem by somebody else then replaced the imagery with their own should do so now. Be sure to post it on stream with (imagery shop rewrite) next to title. Workshop will end officially on Tuesday but this last assignment can be posted any time within a week of this date

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