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A welcome defeat (Revision)
In death I’ve found love,
Longing,
Desire,
But much more thought of you;
To make it seem right,
With a heart full of anger,
Yet have not found what to do.
Not in my walking. Not in my waking,
It’s fog,
And thought,
And far too many days between;
That I have will, but no feet,
Urge, but no way,
Nor hither that I have seen.
Besides, I’m too tired,
And wasted,
And spent,
To even think of a way to go;
My plans have all failed,
My toil has borne no fruit,
And fate, it seems, is far too slow.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I wrote this a while ago when I spent some time alone around the house. My thoughts tend to go a bit far sometimes, especially under those circumstances, and it's easy to lose faith for a moment. Even two.
But, regardless, I thought I'd share it. It was only a form of expression, so be honest with what you think of it. And, even though it's unlikely to put a smile on your face, or make you feel good. Or even think a bit further, which is what I try to accomplish with most things that I write. I do hope you may find some beauty in it.
P.s. I've tried a few new things with the form. Let me know what you think about it:)
Editing stage:
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Comments
lou
Mon, 2011-07-11 17:48
Waldo
This poem contains a mixture of pain and beauty, I like the title I think that works. The rythm works for me as does the ending.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
scribbler
Mon, 2011-07-11 18:57
Hi Waldo
Poem has heart and some good bones. I'll throw out some alternatives and let you decide which or any should stick:
L-4 try but much more the thought of you ( might clarify meaning)
L-7 start with I
L-9 try but in fog
L-12 change I've to I had
L-18 Change a to the
L-20 My toil has borne no fruit
just a few things to think about...............stan
loved
Mon, 2011-07-11 22:19
scrbbler
Doesn’t scribble
He speaks
And if I can add on be positive
There’s only 100 years ahead to live
In the terms of time
It’s just a bubble
You have only one choice
To flow a while
Or burst,
As bubbles do
So a positive thought
Will help you
Don’t ever curse...
More than most
Those only do
loved
TheUnknownAuthor
Tue, 2011-07-12 02:17
Hehehe!
Thanks for the comments, everyone.
I tip my hat to you, Ms. Lou.
And I shall take a look at those suggestions, Stan.Your suggestion for line 7, 12, and 20 seem appealing right off the bat. The other I think I prefer the way they are.
And thank you, Loved:)
author commentloved
Fri, 2011-07-15 14:38
You’re Lips Divine
please comment on this poem
my 1000th poem
written at request of someone...
do i do justice to the person??
loved
magics02
Thu, 2011-07-14 10:03
Hello guy!!
I need to go now but in brief reading here I would omit the ands and buts in the beginning of the lines. I have to come back to see about this one later as I let it sit for awhile in my mind
It is emotive poetry and I do know you can polish 'er up!!
Miss talking to you
Blessings
Mona
Kailashana2
Thu, 2011-07-14 10:39
A poet is reborn.... your
A poet is reborn.... your labour has borne fruit.
~A
loved
Thu, 2011-07-14 13:58
My Honour
My Honour
It’s a signal honour,
Whenever you visit my leaf,
It helps me turn,
A new leaf,
In my life!
loved
TheUnknownAuthor
Fri, 2011-07-15 12:46
Hello people:)
Kailashana, Lonnie, thanks guys!
Magics, I look forward to your input:)
And Yenti, it's a valid thought. Though, admittedly, at the time that I wrote it, I didn't think about any good things that I'd done. I've ended a lot of other poems like that, turning it to hope in the end. And I shall think about it, but perhaps it should remain dark. I don't know.
Tea shall help though! Until later!
Yours
Waldo
P.s. Thanks everyone, for reading what I write. It's truly very much appreciated:)
author commentmagics02
Fri, 2011-07-15 20:47
Hello again
Okay here is what I did or didn't do for your write and let me say this first. This is a deep write and one to really make the reader think of what your thoughts were under that pen
In death I have found
Love
Longing desire
Much more the
Thought of you
Makes it seem right
With a heart full of anger,
I have not quite found
What to do.
Not in my walking,
Not in my waking,
It is of the fog
and thought,
With far too many
days between
That I have will
But no feet,
Urge, but no way,
Nor hither
Yet, I have seen
Besides, I am too tired
wasted and spent,
To even think
Of a way to go
My plans
have all failed,
my toil has
borne no fruit,
And fate it seems
Is far too slow.
Powerful ending Waldo I walked there with you on this one. This is a place maybe of a desolate time in your life perhaps? Let me know if I am off and I just quickly did a runover on this for you as I am still working on a priority project at the moment.
I wanted to keep my promise to you and I did:)
Let me know hither or wither:)
Hope your strumming that quitar!!
Blessings of love
Mona
TheUnknownAuthor
Sat, 2011-07-16 03:35
Hahaha!
I'm not so bad at the strumming, it's the chords that kick my... well... you know... :)
And thank you very much indeed for keeping your promise; and for doing all this work for me!
You're not off, by the way. I don't know if I'd call it desolate, perhaps only not for pride's sake, but I went through quite a frustrating piece in my life the last while. I think I tried to bite too big a chunk off the things I wish to accomplish, and didn't get all too far.
I'm not where I want to be yet, but mentally, I'm back in a much kinder place. And that big chunk of fate; that I've broken into small pieces that I can easily accomplish.
Now, to the write. You've done a LOT!
If I can be blatantly honest, I don't know if I like the change in form. I think it's just a case of different styles of writing, and ways in which people see things. And the form was quite deliberate. But there were some changes in the lines that I found interesting. Words that fell away that I "perceived" as necessary, and now see as quite superfluous.
Give me a while, and I shall see how I can incorporate these ideas. But until then, thanks Magics:)
Yours
Waldo
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