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Moonlit eve's & Sunbathed days
Moonlit eve’s
Through starlit nights and moonlit eve’s,
With the waters asparkle and the silvery leaves,
As laurels fall from heaven’s grace,
And take at last their justly place,
Here shall I sit and lie and dream,
Of wonders wrought as wonders seem,
‘Til day ahead is cleared of strife,
And all seems wondrous in this life;
Sunbathed days
Yet seem to be and seem to may,
My world to love and love to stay,
In sunbathed days as time draws past,
With patterned silhouettes as they are cast,
There shall I live and bath in gold as this,
As ignorant of time as my ignorance’s bliss,
‘Til veils are drawn and fair brothers change keep,
And moonlit eve’s again bring me to my sleep.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
I was simply in a tranquil and content mood when I wrote this. Obviously I draw my own connection from it, but please do draw your own.
It doesn't try to do much, this poem, it simply is. Exists in itself, and is content in that.
I do hope you like this new entry to this new site then.
And hello everyone!
Editing stage:
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Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Sat, 2011-04-09 11:39
K. A.
the ease which you slip from night to day is effordless. nothing is loss in the transition.
I f this is an indication of your writing skills I can't wait to read more!
I have to say that night and day have been over done, but yours is beautiful in it's rythm and will place repeated words.
"Welcome to neopoet land of the freed poets"
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
TheUnknownAuthor
Sun, 2011-04-10 05:16
Thanks girls & guys
And sorry for the over-long name, it was more of a joke than anything else.
You're more than welcome to call me, Waldo :)
I do hope to be more active on the site this time round, as I wasn't much previously. So I hope to read a lot of your work, as well as to hear what you have to say of mine.
Cheers everyone
Waldo
P.s. Thanks again
author commentTheUnknownAuthor
Sun, 2011-04-10 05:56
Ephraim
Your signature... Hahaha! Yes, well...
And thanks for the prompts, man.
In no sense of defense though, just back and forth, it kind of changes the rhythm I have for it in my mind. I'll weigh them a bit more though, I'm not just going to cast them aside, so thank you.
I'll comment on some of your stuff soon. But right now, LUNCH!
Yours
Waldo
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2011-04-10 09:44
hello
I seldom make suggestions on a 1st submission, but I can't help but make one here lol.stanza 7 line 1 maybe try There I'll live and bathe in suns golden kiss. Welcome to the site................scribbler
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-04-15 04:05
lovely word-crafting, Waldo, and welcome to Neopoet
but methinks the gentleman striveth too much to be poetic?
asparkle, justly, seem to may? hmmm, if you insist, but it feels contrived.
Also I think Ephraims suggestions were excellent (you'll seldom meet a better word-crafter than him), your scansion here does seem to stumble. When I read those last 3 stanzas aloud I find I need to place un-natural stress and run syllables together to keep the meter.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
loved
Thu, 2011-05-05 14:26
It’s too late to welcome a poet
You already have made a base,
So many now know
The Neopoets soul,
That I can see,
Where all these days,
Away from us
The unknown's been
Well since your claim,
As unknown,
is redundant,
thanks to Cruz
May now you change
Your name soon
To
Well Known
U MAY like to bathe i suppose in solid gold
There shall I live and .....bath in gold as this,
loved