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A moment in the many
The days pass like mist now,
Swept gone before the sun,
Left fading as it blows to night,
Left fading as it takes a bow;
For I’ve spent too much time here,
Casting pebbles at the sea,
While I’ve known what I dreamt of,
While I’ve known what I fear;
But the silence does haunt me,
The sky shimmering to grey,
Half hoping for the coldness,
Half hoping just to be;
As I’ll see my trials through,
Leaving hope behind the door,
Having grown far too tired,
To leave much else to do,
Having grown far too tired,
For any thoughts but you.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
This was purely a format to express some of my emotions at the moment, not any grand effort to describe the world, or something therein. And as such, it has gone against my better judgement to post it here. But, in the same breath, my better judgement has gotten far too cushy of late. Hence...
Editing stage:
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Comments
TheUnknownAuthor
Wed, 2011-05-11 04:37
Hehehe!
One thing that a spell check doesn't remind you of:) Thanks
Nordic cloud
Thu, 2011-05-12 07:32
...it had a lilt which was easy to ride
"But the silence does haunt me,"...this seemed a little bit clumsy to me in the context of the rhyme, perhaps simply leaving out the THE would do it? I know you want to keep the ME to rhyme with BE! Maybe even the THE on the last line here would be okay too!
Otherwise it had a lilt which was easy to ride, thank you.
Love Ann of Norway.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
TheUnknownAuthor
Thu, 2011-05-12 07:39
Ann
This was one of those that had me carrying a little notebook around with me all day, trying to figure out how in the name of all that's good, I was going to put it together. And, interestingly enough, the line you mentioned was one of the ones that I couldn't really get just right.
I'll see what I can do with it and get back to you.
And thanks for teaching me a new word:) Hahaha!
Yours
Waldo
judyanne
Thu, 2011-05-12 07:54
a very sad and lovely calming write
'The days pass like mist now,
Swept gone before the sun,' - i love the way you have worded this....
'But the silence does haunt me,' - a little awkward
how about something like
'the silence hangs hauntingly' ??
i would make the last two lines stand on their own..... (just me lol)
love judy
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
magics02
Thu, 2011-05-12 08:18
Hello Waldo
Nice piece of work Allow me to comment on it.
The days pass like mist now, (Omit the)
Swept gone before the sun,
Left fading as it blows to night, ( is it meaning the days?)
Left fading as it takes a bow;
For I’ve spent too much time here,
Casting pebbles at the sea,
While I’ve known what I dreamt of,
While I’ve known what I fear;
But the silence does haunt me, ( Omit the but) Maybe - The silence still haunts me,
The sky shimmering to grey, (omit the) Sky is shimmering to grey,
Half hoping for the coldness,
Half hoping just to be;
As I’ll see my trials through,
Leaving hope behind the door,
Having grown far too tired,
To leave much else to do,
Having grown far too tired,
For any thoughts but you. (omit the for) Maybe - Of any thoughts of you
This are only my suggestions and you do not have to use any of them. I took this poem to the porch and read it out loud like I do all poems and like what it says and also feel you can polish it up again. It does speak of loneliness and of missing that someone who you dearly miss. I hope I am on target.
Mona
scribbler
Sat, 2011-05-14 07:27
hello
I think tired wistfulness would describe the feeling conveyed to me. And well conveyed. I have some alternatives for you to consider:
L-2 and 4 repeat of fading could be avoided by replacing one with disappearing
L-8 would omit while.I think it would increase impact. I see you are establishing a pattern of intentional repetition of words in all last 2 lines.In my opinion this would only work well if carried through on all stanzas
L-12 delete half for above reason
* in reading Ann's remark and your response, you could try :But the silence haunts me now
just some thoughts you can consider if you'd like..............scribbler
TheUnknownAuthor
Fri, 2011-05-20 12:53
Hey guys & gals
Thanks for all the advice here!
With the workshops going on, I haven't come back to this one lately. But when I do, I shall try to take everything you've said into account when I do edit it.
Thanks again, everyone;)
Yours
Waldo
lou
Sat, 2011-05-21 00:25
Waldo
It's all been said.
I can only say I love it.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
TheUnknownAuthor
Sat, 2011-05-21 03:03
:)
Thanks Lou!
And are we talking about specific bastards here?
lou
Sat, 2011-05-28 10:51
Waldo
Just general Bastards, LOL!! There's so many.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!