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FRONTMAN DUES
prechorus:
sleepless nights
my memories return to you
haunting me
every time a show is through
Ears still ringing
head still hurting as I lay in bed
from the crowd and all the singing
that keeps running through my sleepless head
Too many empty wasted years
of too many clubs and bars
and far too many shots and beers
in front of the drums and loud guitars
chorus:
sleepless nights
bloodshot eyes
rocking nights
exhausted days
Spent my whole life sweating, giving
to the bottomless and heartless takers
who never even pay a decent living
while I compete with all the fakers
But now I gotta get some sleep
'cause early comes the day-time job
working for a money grubbing creep
who only knows and cares to rob
So I close my burning smoke filled eyes
trying not to think of you
and hope that you don't still despise
this man you once thought that you knew
chorus:
sleepless nights
my memories come back to you
haunting me
each time that the show is through
not sure if poetry or lyrics but tend toward song lyrics
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
All suggestions welcomed as I have no idea what I'm doing
Editing stage:
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Thu, 2011-08-11 00:18
Both.
Both but i'd love to hear it set to music, i think it would make a terrific song. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
scribbler
Thu, 2011-08-11 12:10
Hi Roscoe
Thanks. Maybe I could try playing a kazoo lol........stan
author commentHooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-08-13 12:10
Stan
Stan,
as previously mentioned, drop in a chorus and you'll be on the right path towards a lyric. We can discuss the technicalities of building in a bridge and a pre-chorus later,
regards,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
scribbler
Sat, 2011-08-13 17:43
hi
Will edit with an attempted chorus Sat. evening. I thought bridges were for teeth and creeks lol.......stan
author commentmagics02
Sat, 2011-08-13 13:24
Spotted
and noted. You are on the way friend. Really like this one. I can not do a decent crit right now as I am unable to sit here long. Just a retweak to lessen up some word usage for flow that is about it. I definetly hear the song in it.
Goodness gracious Charlie Brown:)
Mona
xox
scribbler
Sat, 2011-08-13 17:45
hello
You know ol' try anything once lol. I'm gonna work on it a bit more. Get ye healthy.........stan
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2011-08-13 17:47
Hi Rose
Glad to help recall days of youth. Your life can still be what you make of it, You know..........stan
author commentraj
Sat, 2011-08-13 15:12
Stan
the grind of the day followed by rewinding the day .. sleep eluding neatly depicted in this write...
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Sat, 2011-08-13 17:49
Hi raj
Never been on stage( other than as part of a choir) but tried to capture the feeling of a lead singer in a band. Thanks for visiting.........stan
author commentHooded Stranger
Sat, 2011-08-13 18:00
Stan
Stan,
nice job with the chorus, perfectly weighted.
regards,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
scribbler
Sat, 2011-08-13 18:13
thanks
Have now added a pre and post chorus (if that's what they're called lol). ........stan
author commentwesley snow
Tue, 2015-09-01 17:20
Like mine...
we need to hear the melody to know just how smooth the rhythm is. Song lyrics.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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scribbler
Tue, 2015-09-01 23:15
hi wes
This is meant to be delivered in an old rock and roll manner. It might be that attempts at song should be posted in spoken word so the "beat can be supplied by the writer........stan
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2015-09-02 14:42
I think the recording should be sung...
if there is a melody to sing. But that would just be for fun. It would be neat to hear some poet's musical leanings. I know there are song writers among NeoPoet. If I can get my voice half way together from the smoking I will let you suffer through the sound just so you can hear what I think is a very pretty melody.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Wed, 2015-09-02 18:55
Sung?
Not likely to hear me try to sing lol.I suspect my voice is likely to sound like a cross between fingernails on a chalk board and a bullfrog farting lmao.............stan
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2015-09-03 15:22
Mine is not so hot these days.
I studied the art from nine years old to about seventeen or eighteen. Thirty years of heavy drinking takes its toll however. I'm working on some exercises. I'd like to do it for Rula.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about