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concrete proof
who can tell if
together we will be
better than the first taste of
new season avocados
seen on hills
above sills of windows
where we lay
in mourning
a state of numbed confusion
smoking joints
talking small words
and skirting
important issues
such as
would age
ruin skin after
knowing how it slides
beneath roughened fingers
from one too many fights
one too many arguments
made up with torturous sex
without one single thought
we are all wrong
in the right sense of the word
we sodomize faith with
heat so strong it wills bodies
into positions that sin smiles
in its false way
you believe Lucifer takes your dick
makes you use it the way
a politician lies to his constituents
and if god was a byway i'd chosen
i'd be the concrete angel
atop your grave
riding you home
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
Melbourne, Australia
Favorite Poets
Bukowski, Neruda, Rumi, Gibran, Jeffers, Corso, Waldman, Kerouac
Comments
CCfire
Mon, 2011-06-13 07:10
I say no to all your
I say no to all your suggestions just as you would say no to mine on yours, I think it's fair to say we don't like each others poetry and leave it at that shall we? Or do you want to read baby words with your convoluted brainiac sized ego? I'd prefer it if you read some Nietzsche instead which would prove far more to your intelligence than I. But I do always thank you for stopping by to provide my nightly comedy routine. :) Come again.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Mon, 2011-06-13 22:33
*sneezes her germs on you
*sneezes her germs on you hoping you'll just quietly leave!
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Tue, 2011-06-14 03:42
Bite me or go away little man...
Last word or do you need to try again to get something more than me laughing at you out of me?
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentKailashana2
Mon, 2011-06-13 07:41
Hi CC, your poems always
Hi CC, your poems always offer a new take; this one is no different.......and sometimes I don't know anything else but correct punctuation including knowing when to use plural and the apostrophe that denotes possession; I have no clue what avocado's possessive is in the context of your poem, my guess would be that avocados is plural. Also sills of windows, is stretching the poetic a bit, no?
Small nitpicks on an outstanding poem in which you mince no words.
~Ac
CCfire
Mon, 2011-06-13 07:51
I am full of the flu and cold
I am full of the flu and cold here and thanks you picked up the apostrophe which I had seen but have been too lazy and feeling so yukky that I just haven't had the energy. Well I've always known the window ledge as a sill in Aussie terms so that's staying put :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentKailashana2
Mon, 2011-06-13 08:25
I had one that is still
I had one that is still lingering after more than 4 weeks. So I know how you feel, i used cans and cans of *fuck it all* and *what the fuck*....i hate feeling energyless. At least you had a vacation to the states.
I got probably marching for some cause.. ;-(
Be well and I got why you used sills of windows rather than window sills. (And you smoke joints? tsk tsk)
~A.
CCfire
Mon, 2011-06-13 23:13
lol Actually *he smoked them,
lol Actually *he smoked them, mine was passive involvement lol never had one in my life and don't intend to now :P
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentmagics02
Mon, 2011-06-13 12:31
CC
How are you. I started to read this and got lost in the translations. I read it three times and it just seemed something was not placed or maybe it was I off placed:) The ending verse really threw me off. I did not see the corallation with the rest of the verses. That is not to say it is bad as you know better what it means and you address (you) so I am thinking it is of someone perhaps.
I see a request for raw review but then do not crit the mechanics so I may be all off here. You know I just want to point out something like maybe small synopsis to give your reader the mindset of the thoughts behind the write. Unless like some they would rather figure it out for themselves. I could be way off but honest in my op.
Blessings
Mona
CCfire
Mon, 2011-06-13 23:16
I realise this is abstract
I realise this is abstract but the last verse does correlate, the politicians lie as does a lover sometimes to get what he wants out of you, if I were religious choosing the path of faith I'd have probably tried to change this person i.e. the concrete angel on top riding him home lol..the thing with poetry as you well know Mona is there is no education in the world that can teach a poet how a muse works, sure we can be educated to grammar, punctuation etc which lord knows I suck at or we as most good poets are...just write.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentmagics02
Tue, 2011-06-14 12:26
I see
I just still have hard time with it but can neither add any suggests so I am not a good critiquer and yes no one can mess with the muse of a poet but in sharing that muse we also share our understanding.
loved
Mon, 2011-06-13 13:08
I READ.... it shall comment tomorrow
as i am allergic to flu
may be not
from uuuuuuuuuu
loved
CCfire
Mon, 2011-06-13 23:17
lol Loved I promise to keep
lol Loved I promise to keep the flu to myself and Theo if he deigns to come back :P
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentRoscoe Lane
Tue, 2011-06-14 04:45
I see,
I See you have had a visit from kaligantsorarse, hope you know you've made it. All the really good poets have disagreements with him. I know by your writing that he will in no way alter your style, than he can think beyond self appreciation. LOVED the poem. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
CCfire
Tue, 2011-06-14 05:10
Chuckles...
Roscoe he's the best comedy I have had in my first day of flu meds and feeling miserable and you're right..lol nothing will change..not even his disreputable personality :P
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Tue, 2011-06-14 06:30
Reworked the first stanza
Reworked the first stanza slightly, always disposed to do so when asked nicely :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Tue, 2011-06-14 21:41
What part of 'go away' was
What part of 'go away' was not specific? Let me know and I can spell it out!
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Wed, 2011-06-15 05:04
So I take it that your birth
So I take it that your birth was an accident too???
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Wed, 2011-06-15 08:23
lol
I have a lit agent and am doing nicely thanks lol how about you?
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Sat, 2011-06-18 08:18
I could wipe your drivel up
I could wipe your drivel up for you but it's not worth my worry actually, I wonder if you actually like yourself? I care not if you like me or not. It's my entertainment to see your comments
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentKailashana2
Sat, 2011-06-18 08:50
Hmmm. I'm reminded of the
Hmmm. I'm reminded of the characters in *Much Ado About Nothing*...
I'm enjoying your repartee, as it were. ;-)
~A
magics02
Wed, 2011-06-15 08:50
Chez - my thoughts here
At this time I find this remark not about the poem and a dig against Theo, with all he is going through at this time. Please try and refrain from those direct insultive comments as in his personality, etc. I am not getting into your back and forths. A couple of things I read here of the back biting in my opinion is a direct attack to Theo and not anything to do with your poem. He gave you a critique. I believe an honest one. If you did not accept it, that is that. Must we go any further with it?
Talking about someones birth being an accident is a cruel way to express a rebuttal. Theo happens to be a very educated person and he is only out to help others here. When they come back and start twisting things around is where it gets to a muck fighting of words.
Food for thoughts here and not hijucking:) your page or poem whatsoever. Thanks
Mona
CCfire
Wed, 2011-06-15 21:34
Mona I gave him 2
Mona I gave him 2 opportunities to desist he did not so he cops what he gets.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentmagics02
Wed, 2011-06-15 22:42
Chez
I read the critique he gave you. I did not see any sarcastic remarks whatsoever. I do believe he was helping you out on this one here. I have seen over the past couple of weeks that alot have issues with someone that knows alot about poetry. Whatever past differences are bygones now. I just feel some are quick to judge and say things they also know are not nice. And Theo knows about not nice also, but he really is a smart poet and person in here if people would give him a chance. He uploaded that blog on meter, etc and that is more than I ever seen on the points of poetry.
Chez I am not asking you to do anything different but maybe you can talk to each other and come to a happy medium, afterall he is one of our members here also. And alot of us are going through a sad family time. Let us be considerate of others even if they do not meet with our eye to eye.
I also understand that we can not ask others not to do things that we do ourselves. Just my own thoughts here and not to get in the middle here again. Yikes I got so many darts in my back no wonder it is killing me:) And I sure don't want those sharks after me again..You know an alligator got to live:)
Peace
Mona.
CCfire
Sat, 2011-06-18 09:34
And I chose to not take it in
And I chose to not take it in the manner it was given which was belittling and prejucial after the first time he read and did not like me so why would he bother Mona? So as I said he will get as good as he gives if he keeps it up if he leaves and becomes a good boy then perhaps I will step away too but I am an Aussie and I won't back down to his propensity to drone on about his value as a critic and a poet..if he's that good then why on earth is he here???
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentmagics02
Sat, 2011-06-18 11:01
CC Chez
All I was trying to say was it does not matter if someone dosen't like us or what we have written. We are worlds away from a face to face conversation. Thus this is cyberspace.
When I read Theos crit I did not see anything negative in it and I do believe he was trying to help you. You came back with you don't like me, stay off my page something like that. Well I did the same thing here years ago not only with Theo but a few others. Let me tell you. It is not worthy to angst over. Had I gone on and on about personality differences and not focused on what others were saying I would have learned nothing. I have butt heads in here more than once myself.
It is not that people do not like your poetry or you for they do not know you. In my belief and of my thoughts poets respond as they respond on a write. And you know when someone tells you the honest crit then they are the ones that are really helping. It is not always it is good or nice for I took offense many times over but I sat back and thought and by golly they were right on target no matter how that comment or critique I did not like.
Some comments we take so personal that we end up in a stalemate. For ME it did not work. I would hope to see you and Theo at one time butt heads in the right direction. As far as I see Theo is very smart in his knowledge here and it is only when he is gathered with the back and forth by all means he sticks up for himself just as you have did. It is no different with anyone else on here either.(imho)
People may be amazed how Theo and I correlate now. It is only for I know this man is grown and
he does know what he is saying. On my last note to this thread please know that I am not taking no sides here either as I am only talking from my own experience and how I felt Theo reviewed this work. There was nothing in there that was negative. You state on another poem he did not like. Well as we all know not everyone will like what we write. Let us not hold on to only that.
I say to Theo get out of that sandbox. Your time out is up. If I need to send you to the swamp for another time out, well we can deal with that later:) Just kidding Theo:)
Chez I hope you are happy about your writing and understand that we are all different but we all come from the same universe and different pens. Theo can tell me now to f*&^ off and you can too. I will take no offense to that either. I can and will not take it personal. When someone is angry they write shit and it is what it is.
For the two of you poets I would hope you can come to a happy or understandable medium as this is only up to you and Theo and not of anyone else, neither myself. I bow gracefully out and apologize for even stepping my eyes upon this page. You both know how I am I would hope:)
Peace and love to you both
This is my last response to this thread.
Blessings
Ms Mona
Pamela A. Lamppa
Tue, 2011-06-14 12:09
intimate and gritty
The title is absolutely stellar. PERFECT.
This work is intimate and gritty; finds its strength in the intimate relationship that barely holds ground in dim light and smoke filled rooms.
I thought the beginning a bit run together but when read as such it sets the scene. Still, I needed to read a couple of times to make that work for me. But, that's me.
Last stanza drives it home. Hard, down and dirty. ~Pamela
.. .
~"It's ALL about the Poetry~
Please join us in The Shark Pool
CCfire
Tue, 2011-06-14 21:43
Hmmm I edited the first part
Hmmm I edited the first part last night and somehow it's eaten a stanza break lol..I will fix that :) Thanks
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentKailashana2
Wed, 2011-06-15 09:40
This is the best theater I've
This is the best theater I've seen on Neopoet in a long time. Thank you CC, thank you Theo.
(p.s. I don't ever remember having a major disagreement with Theo.... hmmm. I wonder what that means...)
~A
Esker
Wed, 2011-06-15 17:25
Window sills and dormers of occupation
being a "kitchen" kind of man
I loved windows the resting ripening
of vegetables
the texture dark organic of avacadoes
as much musing goes on in the inward
as much as is falling in In wavelengths
from the observations of windows
and sills
concrete angels and all
the visual fotifications and fornications
slung with formica slick expostulations
exultations and tastes
love your work my freind
this one makes me smile
CCfire
Wed, 2011-06-15 21:33
Thank you Steve, your
Thank you Steve, your comments always make another poem for me to read :)
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Sat, 2011-06-18 09:36
Have you ever thought of
Have you ever thought of giving up poetry and becoming a politician because the shit you talk I think you could actually take over a small country and win an election lol
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentKailashana2
Sat, 2011-06-18 11:14
THEO FOR PRESIDENT, ahh shit,
THEO FOR PRESIDENT, ahh shit, he wasn't born here! ;-(((( Obama had a hard enough time proving his native-born birth status.
It's about time someone set those ass-licking politicians of corporate greed and fraud at the expense of the citizenry, on its end. I'm going to post something my daughter's partner sent me
on a blog.
Sorry CC, I digressed. Was there a problem with Theo? lol. I love NEOPOET, and I'll have to behave myself so I don't have to take another short (or lengthy) vacation from it.
Carry on.
~A
~A
CCfire
Mon, 2011-06-20 22:12
lol Nothing I can't handle..
lol Nothing I can't handle...I find it difficult to understand when he first read me he didn't like it so why he came back again is a mystery...I've agreed to disagree with him in most things..but I am sure a third world country would love a dictator lol...I am giving him options :P
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Wed, 2011-06-22 22:23
Read them all, it's why I don
Read them all, it's why I don't believe in religion and it's 'ban your mouthfarting..do you need a spellcheck? Oh and no one particularly was interested in what old Fred had to say as Zarathustra either, he was an ailing philologist with according to one source syphilis which brought on his insanity but then again, some people are that fine line between genius and insanity wouldn't you agree? You remind me more of Schopenhauer, he hated the feminine point of view too.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Fri, 2011-06-24 01:37
*thinks to herself who might
*thinks to herself who might last longest here with this travesty of hilarity *waves goodbye just in case
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentCCfire
Thu, 2011-06-23 03:47
Ian, always been happy in my
Ian, always been happy in my own skin, being a 1960 year of the rat baby 29th April making me a Taurean I can butt heads with the best..but always interested to hear things that may affect me and life in general even if it's not a 'happy' medium :P
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
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