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hummingbird of las briesis

life goes by
as fast as hummingbirds
on tiny wings
too full of motion to see
she's not restless like me
she knows her place
finds her duty and
applies it

searching for nectar
stopping only
to realign herself

i watch from the balcony
her busy attitude reminds me
i cannot be tied
cannot be settled
always knowing there is more

and like the hummingbird
the next flower is adventure
next new scent
next new person i meet

i hope i will be
a blur of color
a minute of a smile
as it crosses your face

to know i will never be still

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
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Last few words: 
I saw my first ever hummingbird today :)
Editing stage: 

Comments

but I think it needs some work.

First stanza, I would re-write something like this:

"life flies by
fast as hummingbirds
on shimmered wings
too fast to see;
she's not restless like me,
she knows her place,
finds her duty and
applies it"

"pollen" should be "nectar"

3rd stanza, line 3:

"how i can't be tied"

I would drop the "how" and replace "can't with "cannot", which make the stanza more active, and keeps your original cadence on that line.

A good poem,l Chez. I like the metaphor.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

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With respect, 'shimmered' seems too cliche and not applicable, you can't even see their wings lol well my eyes can't. The other advises I will take into consideration

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

makes the whole poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
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Thanks Jess, yeah the last part is important. Cheers

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment
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