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Bad Dad
Distracted by his true love’s beauty,
he'd overlooked his father’s duty
towards his sons and dreamy daughters,
and while he wrote upon the waters
(his romance rhymes of youthful, yearning
because his heart, with love, was burning)
resentment rose, like lava flowing:
volcanic voices, carping, crowing.
Like sirens, screeching, screaming, sounding,
upon his ageing head came pounding.
Apocalyptic hoof-beats banging,
the death-knell of cold comfort clanging.
And he’d neglected other creatures!
Those faun-like friends with fairy features.
While he'd been courting, crudely kissing,
their grand-pappy, these doves were missing!
Dear God, forgive this foolish fellow,
who's mercilessly mild and mellow.
Besotted and beguiled by beauty,
he's deaf to all demands of duty!
Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2023-03-29 08:46
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
out of 5 stars
This poem, titled "Bad Dad," explores the consequences of neglecting one's familial responsibilities in favor of pursuing romantic interests. The use of imagery, such as the comparison to a volcanic eruption and the reference to sirens, effectively conveys the overwhelming sense of guilt and regret felt by the narrator. However, the poem suffers from a lack of cohesion and structure. The abrupt shifts in tone and focus make it difficult to follow the narrative thread. Additionally, the rhyme scheme feels forced and at times detracts from the overall message of the poem.
One suggested line edit:
Instead of "he's deaf to all demands of duty," consider changing it to "he's blinded by his love's sweet beauty." This change maintains the theme of the narrator's infatuation with his romantic partner while using a more concise and impactful phrase.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Wed, 2023-03-29 16:28
I think the meaning...
of the entire piece
would change if the line written by the AI was used.
I see the misperception in the AI's view; by using logic, sarcasm is cast aside.
"The use of imagery, such as the comparison
to a volcanic eruption and the reference to sirens, effectively conveys the overwhelming
sense of guilt and regret by the narrator" is wrong.
This man has been a widower or divorcee long enough, he wishes to have a meaningful relationship
with a person that can fulfill the needs that the rest of the family cannot provide.
They are being selfish in demanding the time that used to be spent with them, and maybe they are a little
bit jealous and anxious that his wife, their mother is being replaced in some way.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rosewood Apothecary
Fri, 2023-03-31 19:02
Seriously
For some reason I find it sweet that they’re jealous of the time you spend writing. They must live you a lot.
Nice job poet,
You’ve got great rhythm
Tim