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love letter #16

Submitted by CCfire on Wed, 2011-04-06 22:32

some friday mornings
i feel like a poet
watching city rats emerge
from their blood shot eyes,
the chrome fume nights

and the decent people
going to work are
pretending not to see

dressed in glass stockings
with whore blurred lips

i too want to disappear
into my cave, slink like
lounge lizards,
to sleep off the
woes
that wash over
other people
like holy water

to call and ask
if we can watch the eagle
fly across saturday's
windy air-dried sheets

i know you will say
it's all impossible
because of last nights stains

dreamlessly
i'll make it through

life is you
and life is nothing without
and it all amounts to
everything

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Psyve

Thu, 2011-04-07 00:09

Psyve's picture

Very very nice!

That's a second poem of yours I have read tonight, that I connected with, in both style and content.

As I have said before elsewhere , I don't find it important to UNDERSTAND every word of a poem to appreciate it. Indeed I believe there are lines in poems that hold significance to the poet a reference to context that may make perfect sense to him / her and flows into the body of the poem seamlessly in both the writing as well as the reading. For example:

to call you and ask
if we can watch the eagle
fly across saturday's
windy air-dried sheets

I believe is a reference to a mundane ...yet precious...moment the poet has shared with the person being referred to, perhaps watching birds flyin the sky above the yard with laundry drying on a clothes line...

(That's the picture in my mind anyway, lol, I could be WAY off base)

Bottom line: enjoyed this read a lot.

Psyve

paper umbrella

Thu, 2011-04-07 02:09

there are some friday mornings
i feel like a poet

the intro tripped me, perhaps if you worded it

some friday mornings
i feel like a poet

? i don't know..maybe something else

i notice that you are working with different line break on this one..so feel free to ignore my next suggestion :)

i too
want to disappear
into my cave, slink like
the lounge lizards, to sleep off
the woes
washing over other people
like holy water

and the ending is "shrug" i don't know..it can be better, but it's okay right now since it's more of a stream of words...you may leave it since i feel that some poems are just not meant to be edited lol!

CCfire

Thu, 2011-04-07 21:47

CCfire's picture

Ah Lilian you're good with your edits, you show me things a little better than I see them at first, I like the start of your suggestions and the line break, the ending as these are personal letters I feel needs to stay the same but thank you for always being honest :) Don't stop!

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

Esker

Thu, 2011-04-07 13:39

Esker's picture

loved your words
"the chrome fume nights"
"dressed in glass stockings
and whore blurred lips"
..
"..woes that wash over other people
like holy water"
..

absolutely amazing lines
people say that my writing
dazzles them
and I can say that your writing
for me does just this

it feels good to feel this

So happy that we can write
and read our poetry

I like the way you creatively
express yourself

CCfire

Thu, 2011-04-07 21:45

CCfire's picture

Coming from you that means a lot as your poetry has me intrigued and thrilled that there is someone on here who writes such meaningful free verse. So thank you very much.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2011-04-07 22:25

Volunteer badge

Very nice especially the visuals. I think lines 4 and 5 could use a bit of work to clarify meaning. Or I could be just too obtuse to see the meaning lol...............scribbler

CCfire

Fri, 2011-04-08 01:11

CCfire's picture

My metaphor is the morning after the night before...how people re-emerge from drunken nights into the daylight.. lol maybe I am being obtuse.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

CCfire

Sat, 2011-04-09 19:43

CCfire's picture

Again, as I've said before these letters are intensely personal but I need them to be 'just' right' as the people who are inside the words are still around in most cases lol they need to be portrayed accurately, well as I see them lol

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment
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