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In His Eyes... (for Steve)
In His Eyes...
From the hands
of doctors
and a long
confinement
having survived
a terrible ordeal
at chance turn
of the arbitrary wheel
ever there was he
to console me
I am home from
hospitals sterility
weak and weary
I look on him dearly
on this day
of February grey
sitting in
mindful quiet
remembering days
long ago
in the echo
of family's riot
enjoying the rays
of his gentle
reassuring ways
in the beam of his
soft gazing smiles
hours pass away
on this hazy day
like well
traveled miles
as the road goes
winding ever on
needing no sun
I've already won
for his devotion
is my lasting
salvation
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I wrote this a few days ago, for Steve, my life-mate. I know it is a little rough and I could use some help with it. I'm not sure I like the title..
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
Comments
KINGZOMBIE
Thu, 2011-03-03 13:39
Very beautiful Cat
I hope to one day be able to look back and see such a beautiful life.This write is perfect to me, so I will let the more experienced of us critique.Thank you for sharing Cat.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-04 11:01
Dear KZ,
I, too, wish a wonderful life for you to look back on! You must begin by creating those memories today. It wasn't always so lovely. My beginnings were chaotic and painful. It wasn't until I went to school for electronics that I met Steve. We were both in the right time and place to recognize our counter part, what was missing. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Always, Cat
*
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author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-04 11:03
Dear Rosi,
and it's all true, every word of it.
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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author commentHooded Stranger
Thu, 2011-03-03 14:04
Cat
Cat,
I need to read it through a few more times to see if there is any changes needed 9I am doubtful that there are).
A title:
My Rock.
love,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-04 11:13
Thanks, Dan,
You know what I have been through in the last six months and this is in the wash of the after mass. Just sitting quietly in my over stuffed chair, with Steve at his computer, working on taxes. Ever so often flashing me a smile, this came to me in appreciation for Steve in his role of caregiver, as of late. For the title, I am thinking more of something that expresses that, like: Nurturer or Guardian.
Thanks for the suggestion.
love, Cat
*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2011-03-03 19:55
I'd love to help,
but this piece actually feels really polished to me, beautiful scansion, gentle evocative imagery, utterly genuine in expression.
The only thing that jars for me at all is a philosophical/content thing.
The last line.... what is it?.... mmm...
I know!
is my lasting salvation
puts it all on him, perhaps that is what feels wrong with the title too.
What you have described is the act of two people loving together, not the salvation/redemption of one by another. Does that make sense?
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-04 11:26
Dear Jess,
Yes, you make perfect sense to me. In August of last year, I had a life threatening illness. An ulcer ate through an artery and I began projectile vomiting blood. Luckily I was at my Dr.'s office with the complaint of stomach pain. They rushed me to a better facility, but I was dead on the table for a minute and a half due to blood loss. They managed to get my blood pressure back up and get me revived. From this trauma came memory loss and a brief period of incoherence. I was flat on my back for a month, then came three weeks of learning how to walk again. When I came home from hospital, I was very weak and wobbly. Steve was there for me for everyday of this and still is, as I am not fully recovered, but almost there. These are the feelings I have written about. You are right, there needs a clearing up or an explanation of this. Thank you for getting me to think past the poem to its heart.
always, Cat
*
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And responds, please be courteous
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author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2011-03-08 02:11
You know, I didn't know the full story behind the poem
and if I had I might not have had the courage to make the comment I did.
But now I'm glad I did, I'm glad it helped and I like the revisions.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
lou
Thu, 2011-03-03 21:32
Cat
A loving tribute anyone would be proud to recieve.
Much love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-04 12:01
Dear Lou,
Steve has read it before I edited it, and he smiled broadly. He hasn't read the revised version yet, but he soon will, as I emailed it to him just now.
Love, Cat
*
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author commentRace_9togo
Thu, 2011-03-03 22:53
Cat
How beautiful.
How envious I am of Steve, heehee.
And of your poetic skill
A love poem without the word love, or one single drop of mushy sentiment.
The kind of love poem I aspire to write.
I love the way you see him, and what he means to you. Love is selfish, and yet ulitimately giving, even in one's most profound acceptance of another's love.
So very excellent, and so very well written, Cat. I find nothing that I would change, but I will re-read a few times, to see if this changes.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-04 12:09
Dear Jim,
Thank you so much for your kindness and observations. I hate mushy love songs or poems and I strive to stay away from that junk. You have reassured me that I have achieved my goal. I've added something to the poem at the beginning. I hope you like it still.
always, Cat
*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-04 12:14
Dear Bee,
Thank you for the changes. I appreciate your help and have employed it. Thanks again, many hugs.
always, Cat
*
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author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-04 12:23
Dear Shirl,
Yes, you are right and I have unlimited admiration and love for this man who stood behind me through many an ordeal, not all so traumatic as the last one. Thank you for reading and commenting.
Love, Cat
*
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author commentKailashana2
Fri, 2011-03-04 06:41
Hi Cat, in my opinion, poems
Hi Cat, in my opinion, poems like this our nice, nicely rhymed and understood without having to go through layers, and so is but one-dimensional. Get into the whys and hows of the relationship with concrete examples of what he did and how you felt, give the poems some legs and wings in your next poem. Break into a song, break into new territories of emotion that you write into the page.
~A
Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-03-04 12:26
Hi Anna,
I see what you mean and have taken Jess' advice. Thank you so much for adding your voice to this. I've revised and I hope made it more clear.
always, Cat
*
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author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2011-03-08 10:34
Dear Ian,
Thank you for your gentle words. I had help from Jess, weirdelf, in my comments to help make this a better piece. Thank you for reading and commenting :)
love, Cat
*
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author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2011-03-08 11:43
Thanks, Dearest Jayne,
For your input on this one. I hope you are feeling well and continue to do so for an eternity of time.
love, Cat
*
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