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Once Upon A Time - Neo Challenge
Once upon a time,
A lowly mortal was I
With no other purpose than that
Until the day I was bitten by a bat
Woken by the night, skin glowing white
Translucent eyes that caused quite a fright
Talons that twisted, fangs that were gifted
A sanguine surprise for the rejected
Alone in my reflection
A single coffin lifted
Mother's misfit by design
Eternal life now mine
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2023-07-22 20:00
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Once Upon A Time - Neo Challenge" presents an intriguing narrative of transformation, using a vampire metaphor to explore themes of isolation and the search for purpose. The structure of the poem is consistent, with a clear progression from the protagonist's past life to their new existence.
The poem could benefit from a more rigorous exploration of its themes. For instance, the line "A sanguine surprise for the rejected" suggests that the transformation is a form of revenge or recompense for past rejection, but this idea is not further developed. The poem could delve deeper into this concept, perhaps by elaborating on the protagonist's past experiences or their feelings towards those who rejected them.
The use of language in the poem is generally effective, with vivid imagery such as "skin glowing white" and "talons that twisted". However, there are moments where the choice of words could be improved. For instance, the phrase "Mother's misfit by design" is somewhat ambiguous - it's unclear whether the speaker is referring to their own design or their mother's. Clarifying this could strengthen the poem's narrative.
Lastly, the poem's rhythm and rhyme scheme could be more consistent. The first four lines establish a clear ABAB rhyme scheme, but this is not maintained throughout the rest of the poem. Consistency in rhyme and rhythm can help to create a more cohesive and engaging reading experience.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
Sun, 2023-07-23 08:21
Wow, this is excellent and I
Wow, this is excellent and I loved it. Your choice of words fits so well with the tales of vampires. In particular I liked:
Talons that twisted, fangs that were gifted
Loved it and I thought it was perfect, you did a great job. Ruby :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
RoseBlack
Sun, 2023-07-23 10:04
Thanks Ruby
My own dark tales... My own longing to be someone other than myself. Being mortal stinks...vampire it is...thank you always for your feedback.
~RoseBlack~
Tawny023
Sun, 2023-07-23 16:57
Well done
RoseBlack
Sun, 2023-07-23 16:58
Thank you
Glad you enjoyed
~RoseBlack~
Tawny023
Sun, 2023-07-23 16:57
.
Error msg but I see now it atleast creates a place for the comment
Tawny023
Sun, 2023-07-23 17:12
Thanks for the trip to the underworld
Read this poem twice. Loved it. My mind’s eye saw this set in a dark dungeon or vampire lair. I changed the word reflection to infliction and thought of how someone turns into a vampire. It must be a painful reflection at first. I also thought how the person was not much to ride home about, but became someone that was confident as a vampire. With a second lease to be touted and praised by a mother’s unconditional love. To ensure a child lives for all a parent days must be a wonderful gift. A mother can grow to accept a misfit for all eternity but not a grave. This poem was easy to follow and untapped my brain s fantasy realm.
RoseBlack
Sun, 2023-07-23 17:51
So glad you enjoyed
And found a positive to the inclusion of mother. I enjoy spinning a good dark tale every so often. Thank you for your feedback.
~RoseBlack~
Clentin
Mon, 2023-07-24 06:20
Loved your poem. Description
Loved your poem. Description very good. Emotions always present.
Your poems always are filled with passion, emotion. Love them
RoseBlack
Mon, 2023-07-24 08:10
Thank you
Glad you enjoyed
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Mon, 2023-07-24 10:10
dear Rose Black (Carrie)
I love your writing style that is so originally you! you keep the reader jumping and alert. this is a slam dunk of a poem! we much enjoyed it, eddy and me!
*many hugs and smiles, >{^*;*^}<
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Mon, 2023-07-24 15:27
Thanks Cat and Eddy
I thought you both may enjoy this. Twisted fairy tales are some of my favorite to write, when I get outside my own head. And being as the world is the way it is, I choose to be a vampire. LOL
~RoseBlack~