it is very hard for me criticize this poem,
since i too wrote in such an open manner
when first putting me shit out there.
i like what you've said
but you've much yet to read.

i would look to wierdelf.
he'll see you right.

best wishes... val

I hope you find a voice here. Nice to have another rhymer. I'm sure that as you gain confidence, you will try some of our workshops and have fun. If you need to ask anything about Neo. just ask, and someone will let you know how. ~ Geezer.

Welcome to Neopoet site, a new mind to be part of.
Give us a break for breathing.
Be careful with like sounding words that are spelt differently.. for anger will tare you apart, the spell checker doesn't pick these up, a Tare is counting or costing goods or something like that,
Tare weight sometimes called unladen weight, is the weight of an empty vehicle or container.
By subtracting it from the gross laden weight you know exactly how much the cargo weighs.
You need to shed a tear no it's the other tear, where you tear up a piece of paper or something lol
Take care, Yours Ian..

Poetry is all about what's in your heart, and what's in your soul, which in tune gives power to words. I do rhyme in some of my poems, but it's for captivating the minds of the readers with rhyme. Other poems I write don't rhyme at all leaving lessons within the lines I've learned through life in which to hopefully to help someone overcome an ordeal.

Beware rhyme, rap has done a very good thing in introducing poetry to a lot of younger people, and a very bad thing in placing such a stress on rhyme. Cadence/meter/rhythm, 'flow' is a far more important aspect of poetry.
Also remember rhyme doesn't have to be in couplets as you use here (AABB) it can also be alternate lines (ABAB) or bracketed (ABBA).

My most important critique here though is the error you made in the last seven lines. The poem started as a personal plea to whichever deity you believe in, using the singular 'you' to address it and is powerful and moving. But in those last seven lines you address your reader which changes your poem into a sermon, which we go to church for, not poetry, and is at least unwelcome and at worst downright offensive.

Welcome to Neopoet, it is clear you have the honesty, passion and word skills to be a fine poet.

it is courteous to reply to critique on your work and important to offer feedback to others. Even just "I liked this" lets the poet know they have been read, we don't have a 'like' button like Facebook and later, when you feel more confident, offer suggestions for improvements.

believe it or not.

Best wishes....val.