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VALENTINE
Return, my love, to my gray arms
on this cold midwinter night.
Let my eyes feast on your charms
revealed by the moon's sparse light.
Once more might I crush you to my chest
to share our bodys' heat
and feel beneath your yielding breast
your heart's quickening beat.
And let our blood flow hot and wild
as it did back in our youth,
for passion never should be mild,
and pheromones always speak the truth.
So as my fingers trace your skin
and your breath entwines with mine
we'll let the fire of love begin
as both of our limbs enter twine.
Then afterward, when all is still
we'll lie and count cold stars above
drawn close to fight off the night's chill.
Sex holds no match to making love.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
lovedly
Fri, 2016-02-12 14:34
Stan lovely Valentine from an oldy who has graced many DAWNS
but still you two do
in-twine or entwine
may be
enter....>>>>may not be so lovely
openly
though a lovely enter twine ....invite
for she
ur lady.....
smiles SHE
scribbler
Sat, 2016-02-13 20:24
hi loved
I can still recall the way youth yearned for raw sex. But even when achiever it was and is never equal to the passion of a long term love. Appreciate your dropping by..........stan
lovedly
Mon, 2016-02-15 12:08
sex and warm distance
are alone humans mission
what else Stan
enjoyed Valentine
scribbler
Tue, 2016-02-16 08:10
Hi loved
Glad you enjoyed it
lovedly
Tue, 2016-02-16 11:21
as always.... but was coldest day since 1890 they say
long way
u peak of global warming
today
scribbler
Tue, 2016-02-16 12:11
cold?
Cold enough here to freeze balls off a castrated bull lol
Geezer
Mon, 2016-02-15 11:17
Stan...
As was said to me just recently; This tugged at my heart and soothed my soul, without being overly sickly sweet! Great hearts pour out copious amounts of love! I liked this a lot!
1] Maybe you might say in the 2nd stanza: " To share our bodies heat"?
2] I think you could do without the [and] in the last line of the 3d. Or maybe you could leave out: always]?
3] 2nd line of fourth; Think you might say: " As your breath enjoins with mine"?
Just my little stumbles in an otherwise perfect poem! ~ Gee
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scribbler
Tue, 2016-02-16 08:11
Hi Geez
Thanks for dropping by and I'll keep your ideas in mind when I do an edit...............stan