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Pure

Submitted by Feign on Sun, 2012-07-22 10:22

Lips that slake the outside thirst
for clear water
leave crimson petals on the glass,
mocking the mask that belies innocence.
.
Rest eludes the racing mind
surrounded by shouts of soul
and eternal fires, yet
sleep would bring another hell.
~
There is no escape
for this unworthy lamb
rejected by the good god
unworthy of a fairytale redemption.
~
She would rather walk alone
than listen to the mocking bleat
bounce pitiful from pew to pulpit,
forever and ever, amen.
~
In colors thrown by beautiful glass
on a seat worn smooth by time
she sits looking at a twisted man
remembering hurts from long ago,
that were sins against her.
~
She lights a candle,
putting her hand above the flame,
hoping to feel something.
The man on the cross observes in total silence.
~
Feign

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
I am not used to punctuating, mainly because I stink at it, having forgotten the rules. More likely, I never really learned them, being awfully busy with way more important stuff, like BOYS. I don't mind being knocked on my back if that's what it takes to get me to do it correctly, but I wonder if it's always necessary . How would you determine that?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

Candlewitch

Mon, 2012-07-23 11:22

Candlewitch's picture
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This poem speaks to me of a soul in torment. I resonated with these lines:

Rest eludes the racing mind
surrounded by shouts of soul
and eternal fires, yet
sleep would bring another hell.

mostly because I can relate to being sleepless for much of the night. If I take a pill (oxycodone) to relieve pain, it causes nightmares. so my racing thoughts keep me awake far into the night. The rest of the poem is excellent. It seems to me that the person in the poem was violated in some way by the twisted man. And Heaven and its inhabitants did naught to help her in her time of need. I'm probably wrong, but this is what the poem reminded me of. A very good write!

always, Cat

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Feign

Mon, 2012-07-23 12:18

Feign's picture

Thank you it, is indeed about a soul in torment, and someone violated to distraction.However , she seeks a peace in a place where many find comfort, a church, as though everything will be "solved" there. The twisted man is Jesus so often portrayed as in agony on his cross . He can't help her... all she feels numb and betrayed. Pretty much, what you figured. Thank you for reading me.
Feign/Leslie

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-07-25 01:03

weirdelf's picture
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no value.
So sorry

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Feign

Wed, 2012-07-25 08:03

Feign's picture

no problem ;o)

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-07-25 11:57

weirdelf's picture
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The poem reads well and is well structured.

It just pushed an unpleasant button for me. My bad.

I would love to hear your re-write to include your way to find your self-empowerment.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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