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Curtain Light

Submitted by Feign on Fri, 2012-07-20 23:54

Across the room
the curtain caught the sun
and in the folds of cloth
I saw light ripple.
Beautiful.
.
In those curves of light
danced tiny motes,
whirls and whorls and worlds away,
entertaining my thoughts.
Engaging
.
There are times so sad
that even heartfelt words and touch
can't light the dark interior
of what this mind remembers.
.
I too, have said the words
"I know how you feel."
ashamed as they fell flat,
but I did and I do care.
.
Life is brief and some say
that even a particle of dust
might be as this world is,
miniscule lives suspended.
.
The light curves softly
through the curtain folds,
making me think of eternity.
I feel helpless trying to mourn,
forgive me...

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Last few words:

I always feel like this poem needs explanation, buI am probably wrong.So, I will explain and ask if more is less or too much or just leave it.. I began to write this piece at my brother's funeral. He was a suicide, and I felt numb. About a year previous, my father had shot himself with the same rifle. I do not want sympathy, I'd like to know if it needs the info, or does it seem complete as is. My personal take is that adding to it makes it become a cluttered short story. which is not my intent. Thank you in advance for your opinions.

Editing stage:

Not actively editing

Comments

Feign

Sat, 2012-07-21 11:57

Curtain Light

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment AND suggest things about this poem. It is, of course, a highly personal piece, but thats for me, not the audience. However, I did want to convey a certain hopeless sadness, and was torn between the issue of clarity, and that of misinterpretation. I guess that is a common thing in poetry, everyone puts their lives down and sometimes forgets that the reader throws him/herself into the pile. I just wanted to touch on a feeling that we are so small that it doesn't really seem like anything matters sometimes. Emphasize "seem"
Most of us have what are awful personal tragedies, I wanted at all costs to not make this so. LOL, I don't mean the poem itself. I am new and I expect to learn and am very glad to.
Thank you very much for commenting
Feign/Leslie

author comment

judyanne

Sat, 2012-07-21 12:35

I personally don’t like to explain my writes

I think that the reader can get something completely different from a read, dependent on their own world-view of the time. this leaves the write open to different interpretations which I think is great – for others can make it their own personal message…

that’s just my opinion… I love your poem without the explanation

just a couple of suggestions
I would lose the words ‘beautiful’ and ‘engaging’ … the first is a word the poetry itself should describe
the second I just don’t think you need…

the mixture of melancholy and spirit of hope so beautifully expressed and developed through the wriite that the reader sinks into it - i really like the tone and word usage that effects this...

I really like this write, and I relate very much to it
I love the little bit of philosophy
‘Life is brief and some say
that even a particle of dust
might be as this world is,
miniscule lives suspended.’

thank you for sharing it
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-07-21 14:59

Dear Feign,

Both Mark and Judy have given good critique and I don't feel I can add to that. Except to say that in this section, which I very much admired:

Life is brief and some say
that even a particle of dust
might be as this world is,
miniscule lives suspended.

you get to the heart of how fragile each individual life is. And, it seems to ask the question, how much do we as individuals matter in the big picture. I look forward to reading more of your most expressive poetry.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-07-22 05:57

Feign

That life's troubles have draped themselves around you, always remember that those you have lost are are but a thought away.
The curtain will always stay that little bit open, where the sun will beam through as a beacon to extended life, that yesterday was a part of that beam and is eternal.
A lovely write, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Neopoet

Curtain Light