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May I do Haiku?

Submitted by Feign on Tue, 2012-07-24 07:45

Tree frogs sticky feet
they perch quietly on trees
observing the day

.....................................................

Stars are often gone
emptiness on a star path
shining in our sky

.......................................................

Flowers are not mute
they just reserve opinion
until better arrives
.................................................

The roses we gift
so tight and angry buds
I prefer full blooms
..................................................

poets gather lines
knit them into autumn leaves
sun and sky and love
...................................................

Feign

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
I peeked into the Japanese Poetry workshop and read about the forms. I am pretty new here and have not yet participated in a workshop because I am scared to death of you guys. Then I thought, post. What can they do to you, crit me up one side and down the other? Call me names...kick me out?...speak in longish words I have to look up...be snide.....find my address and come and kill me? I am still wandering in this poetic-forest. I accept that I need to learn more, so have at me. Yes, the Haiku are unrelated, I cheated in the interest of Stream -space.
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

Feign

Tue, 2012-07-24 11:18

Feign's picture

I see I need to read more carefully, having written 4 Senyru and only one Haiku.
Your suggestion was carefully considered and utilized, the second line is now "Princely perched quiet on trees" and it's a little silly but I like it.

The Senyru will stay as they are, for the world (ha) to see, and because I have life-stuff intefering with my writing.
Thank you
Feign

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Ian.T

Tue, 2012-07-24 08:43

Ian.T's picture
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Your series contains one "Haiku"

poets gather lines
knit them into autumn leaves
sun and sky and love

They are about the seasons so this one is a little lose on Autumn..
The rest are "Senyru" which have the same 5-7-5 syllables but are about anything to do with life usually, If your Syllable count is OK then they are a good collection.
Join Barbara's workshop and read, then try to write, late entries will be read and commented on even if I do it myself lol,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Feign

Tue, 2012-07-24 11:37

Feign's picture

So much for my "Haiku" Wait....!!!! I MEANT to write one Haiku and four senyru... (honest) :o)
Seriously though, That's ONE way of learning...............

Feign

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scribbler

Tue, 2012-07-24 12:09

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In the learning process even mistakes are helpful. And this is not a group here to be afraid of. After all they've not run Me off...........yet lol.................stan

Feign

Tue, 2012-07-24 14:17

Feign's picture

(let me know if they do?)

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weirdelf

Tue, 2012-07-24 23:33

weirdelf's picture
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I loved each one of these.
They all contain the "frission", the extra element that turns three short lines into something special. I am impressed.
As I said in an earlier comment, you have the poetic voice and I sincerely hope you will continue to post work here.

Strangely, I also hope you will take more chances and post less perfect work so that we can offer valid suggestions, that is what Neopoet is about, mutually, consensually, communally improving our craft in a community.

I expect to see a lot more of you for a long time, or at least hope so.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Feign

Wed, 2012-07-25 08:38

Feign's picture

I will certainly post some crappy ( am I allowed to type that?) poetry. I am not here to be crucified OR dipped in honey. I don't know a lot about the the technical "rules " of poetry, but i usually "hear" the beauty. I appeciate honesty and sometimes I will change a work on others' advce, not always. I want to be a poet when I grow up.So, I want to learn the ways, and then decide what I want or how I want to write. I enjoyed writing the haiku/senyru very much. I'll probably hang around untill I croak.. :o)
Feign

author comment

Kailashana2

Wed, 2012-07-25 10:20

Delighted to meet your 5-7-5, Feign. Though I do deign you haven't got a ghost of a chance to post some crap dance with words. But then again you just might do that for sheer fun.

~A

frogs jump
a thicket sings
poets feign the sound

(not quite 5-7-5)

Feign

Thu, 2012-07-26 07:51

Feign's picture

frogs DO leap about
a thicket DOES sing sometimes
poets DO feign secrecy

I love your name, not feigning or brown nosing, curious though.
I mangled your poem, , forgive me. I don't think it's better but it was fun ;o)
Thank you for reading and commenting on my work.
Feifn

"I don't have a cool quote yet but I admire LaRochefoucauld!" Feign

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