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The Constancy

Submitted by Feign on Thu, 2012-07-19 14:45

The Constancy
________________________________
I hear a bird chirping sweetly
under the sound of your voice,
while we talk about nothing and everything
over the phone some mornings.
I imagine the bird is content
but I don't know.
.
I am slowly imploding.
Slowly crushed by the limits
of this faulty container.
It's an odd world from my perspective.
When I gave up the whys, I gained peace,
I am getting better all the time.
in a way.
.
There is a constancy.
Our conversations are good.
You dressed in your armor thinking
your world will break if you drop your defenses.
I, a butterfly beating against
your steel, fool that I am.
I left my chrysalis behind.
I prefer nothing between us.
.
My wings are fragile.
I never stop hoping that your head
understands I left the last irridescent
dust of my wings over your heart.
It's as close as I can get, but that's fine
I have your attention.
your precious words.
The birdsong from miles away
makes me happy.
.
Feign

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
I am always interested in what others "see" or "feel" through the way I describe a thing, feeling, in my work. It amazes me how differently we interpet things so personally sometimes yet the thought may be so layered it is almost global.
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

scribbler

Thu, 2012-07-19 20:15

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Welcome to Neopoet. The longing for connection comes through clearly..........stan

Feign

Fri, 2012-07-20 18:35

Feign's picture

I am excited and pleased to be here. My poem is exactly as you say, a longing for connection. Perhaps I am in the right place ;o)
Thank you for your comment.
Feign

author comment

Feign

Fri, 2012-07-20 14:34

Feign's picture

That snake was 4 ft long and it bit the maintenence man. In retrospect, it was kind of funny...I too, wonder if punctuation woud benefit. I'll have to try it. :o)

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-07-20 11:19

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and it is lovely to hear.

This poem struck me weird. It has a genuineness with a certain naive quality, bordering but not quite crossing the line of cliche. A precarious journey and a brave one.

I very much look forward to more of your work.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Feign

Fri, 2012-07-20 18:42

Feign's picture

My poetry always has my life behind it, and as I think about it, THAT was certainly what most would call weird. (or worse) This journey into Neopoets is going to challenge me, and I look forward to it. Thank you for your kindness.
Feign

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Candlewitch

Fri, 2012-07-20 11:33

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I really like this piece. It has a sad yet hopeful tone to it.One in armor and the other open and exposed...Good imagery here. My favorite lines are:

my wings are fragile
but I never stop hoping that your head
understands I leave the iridescent
dust of my wings over your heart
it's as close as I can get but that's fine
I have your attention
your precious words
the birdsong from miles away
makes me happy

always, Cat

p.s.

If you have the time, please read my poem titled "Bliss" I think you will like it.

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Feign

Fri, 2012-07-20 18:30

Feign's picture

I am very happy you liked my poem. It gives me hope that I can hack it in here.Weaving my words into the lovely cloth of poetry I see here, is a gift. The feedback, I assure you, is very much appreciated. I have been in forums where it seemed as though the critics purpose was to change my poems into "theirs." I love the respect and the gentle guidance here.
Feign

author comment

judyanne

Fri, 2012-07-20 13:14

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a beautiful and arresting opening
‘I hear a bird chirping sweetly
under the sound of your voice’

‘I am slowly imploding
slowly crushed by the limits – maybe find another word for the second ‘slowly;?
I am sentenced to by this faulty container’ – maybe simply ‘sentenced by this faulty container’?

‘you dressed in your armor thinking – ‘armour’
your world will break if you drop your defenses’ - ‘defences’

beautiful image
‘I, a butterfly beating against
your steel, fool that I am
I left my chrysalis behind
I prefer nothing between us’

and great rounding up or the write by referring us back to the beginning
‘the birdsong from miles away
makes me happy’

I enjoyed this
welcome to neopoet
love judy
xxx
.

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Feign

Fri, 2012-07-20 18:02

Feign's picture

Dear Judy,
I thank you for the mistakes you pointed out and for your very good suggestions, most of which I agree with and will use in a rewrite.I am getting remarkable feedback and think I will enjoy being here very much.
Looking forward to hearing from you again.
Sincerely, Feign/Leslie

author comment

loved

Fri, 2012-07-20 15:16

loved's picture

by the best poets
wait for Ian also .
I am an inspirational one
perhaps
bags of garbage of poetic composition
and
someone like you may find
gems ...odd ones too
perhaps you may also try your hand
but
take care
there mayn't be a snake in the sand
and
now u may add on inspired
if at all
good luck ... now I consider myself
authentic at free verse
at the worse
albeit a dwarf one..

good luck as fun has just begun

loved

Feign

Fri, 2012-07-20 18:18

Feign's picture

Free verse, unrehearsed
pours out quickly, andI I
try to aim carefully
avoiding
backsplash
that ruins
the poetic
I am happy you wrote to me, so delightfully. Thank you.
Feign

author comment

loved

Sat, 2012-07-21 21:03

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thanks

loved

BlueDemon77

Sat, 2012-07-21 20:11

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I love the piece. I don't recall having heard this before. Criticism is difficult between great writers expressing fundamental truths so eloquent and perfect that they render my sentences inadequate. I agree with the structural points given by Judy and aesthetically I feel Jess nails it in saying you take chances and run the thin tightrope of real feeling very well. Your images sparkle with a richness and your metaphors are both striking and thematically well-chosen. I personally love your work and have for a long time. Welcome to Neopoets!

Ron (pnkrk244 : )

Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Feign

Sun, 2012-07-22 09:39

Feign's picture

I am always, ALWAYS amazed when somene says they have read me for a while! That is such a beautiful affirmation that I chose the "right way" when I started writing. All we ever want to do is communicate somehow, feelings important to us, no matter if happy , sad, lonely, exhuberant, everything! To be able to believe you hit the target, is delightful because it means a connection was made, you're understood somewhat. I write short stories, but to me thats not as fulflling as poetry though I believe that has somethng to do with getting others to read it. I love the creative :o) compacting of a metaphor , well..I just love to write and I know I have a lot to learn, and I am happy that there is such a place to do it in. Thank you for reading me.
Sincerely, Feign
"All my mistakes are typos, honest"

author comment

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-07-23 03:08

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My Son calls me Papillion, so maybe I protected them with the gentle powder of my wings as I brought them up..
Now I read that you are beating your wings as you wanted to, but there in the beats, is a love of another at a distance.
That you have used your beautiful powder to cover another's heart, I hope that your completeness is not wasted, save some powder for the next sunrise where the colours can turn other heads in wonder, a lovely write.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Feign

Mon, 2012-07-23 12:59

Feign's picture

I think of the dust of the "papillion" striking steel and losing the battle for his heart at the same time, as both beats echo an inevitable death. The butterfly knows her fragility but would die trying to open his fearful heart. to a beauty transcending his hesitation. I don't think a butterfly can live long...but even less so if she destroys her wings. The bird song will be heard long after the dust uncovers his heart.. I think of this poem as being interpreted few different ways, and thats fine :o]

Thank you for reading and commenting on my poem......Feign/Leslie

author comment

Geremia

Mon, 2012-07-23 14:35

Geremia's picture

"Inspiration can be a word heard that gets caught up in images, a sight seen, the briefest feeling, happy or sad, the joy felt. Madness, illness, sorrow, there is no end to inspiration for me, I find life to be continuously inspiring"

You are wonderfully creative.

J.. Longo

Kailashana2

Wed, 2012-07-25 10:11

Feign. I cannot feign nor suppress my joy in reading your work.

The title is perfection.

~A

Upon reading your poem again, I find its beauty hurts as if there were a weight on my heart.

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