Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Origami

Submitted by Feign on Wed, 2012-07-25 09:02

folds of crisp paper
puzzles till the end
within each small fold, a story
imagine
sitting silently folding
a meditation
creation
pure paper figures
surround the artist
frail and sharply bright
delighting a child
pleasing the old man
~
both at play
~
Feign

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

Kailashana2

Wed, 2012-07-25 10:03

I think I really like this poem. Origami, the art of fitting sharp folds into complex patterns, so to speak.

Have to read your other stuff now.

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-07-25 16:14

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

again you please my first premise of poetry- creating meaning with an elegant sparsity of words.

I'm not sure about the last line.

Should is a nasty, moralistic word.
perhaps
'As it does'
or
'This defines our humanity as attested to by many psychological studies which I disagree with by pure observation, I've seen animals appreciate beauty' ]
[just joking, but if you said it poetically it could be good)

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Feign

Wed, 2012-07-25 17:45

Feign's picture

Basically, I thought the poem needed a final line, something that summed up the importance of the interaction, interlude, moment. Maybe it didn't. I still feel it does. Maybe just an allusion to the location " warmed by the courtyard stones", maybe philosophical, "cool beans!!" maybe religious," Rock on Buddha!" or maybe something like "as cherry blossoms drift by." I am leaning towards the stones, but will wait because I feel something better may strike,
Thanks, as always, for your input.
Leslie/Feign

author comment

Kailashana2

Thu, 2012-07-26 21:22

Hmm. Reading the input, now. As it should is just being the way it is, after all, isn't it?

~A

Feign

Thu, 2012-07-26 23:27

Feign's picture

Peaceful, is probably a bettter word, as opposed to "then the atom bomb dropped" Maybe I should just leave the last bit out...
Feign

"Id have a quote if I hadn't spent hours thinking about the end to Origami." Feign

author comment

Ian.T

Sat, 2012-07-28 03:35

Ian.T's picture
Volunteer badge

Lets wrap this one up and sort out that offending word,
folding it into oblivion:-

Shameful maybe
Have done or could of
Obviously nastily moralistic
Understating commitment
Lazy must, or have to.
Dithering question.

Just an acrostic way of saying that the folds of paper and wisdom can run hand in hand with just one page.???
Loved the write it was a picture of all ages, and reminded me of the thousand birds the Japanese girls use to fold, can't remember why??
Then the old man that showed the Americans how to fold the Solar panels on their space stations and hardware out there...
No doubt I will be told lol,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Feign

Sat, 2012-07-28 10:47

Feign's picture

I am listening too much.The puzzle pieces I so kindly recieve from everone have so far, not fit to me.
My first and honest impulse was to end it wirh " amen". This carries the brush of a sacred importance of the act of love between the old man and child. To be free to just play quietly and feely, timelssly. I know what a an explosive hubbub that word would would ignite. The flurry of interprtation and personal beliefs and stuff would stretch back to Amon and rubberband crazily from athieism to sainthood. All I wanted to say was simply that it was right, the scene, the action, the love. Probably best left unsaid. It may be that silence is the proper way this time.

"I'm getting closer to a really WAY cool quote." Feign

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.