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I would go back

Submitted by kowque on Wed, 2023-11-29 09:55

To the day,
I saw you,
For the first time.

I would go back.
And,make sure,
I looked in another direction.

I fantasize,
Maybe, that day,
I was stuck,
In traffic.

Maybe,
I took a different way to work.

Now,my Love,for you
Is etched on my soul
My body
....yeah,those times,you beat me,
Still ache.

Was,I,Ever,Enough?

When you kick me.
When you punch me.
Are you actually trying,to fix me?

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
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Contest: 
November 2023 New Member Contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-11-29 16:00

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Geezer

Wed, 2023-11-29 10:23

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of your intent, but I think that you are trying to create a pause between each word?
I think that maybe if you just spaced the words another space between them,
it would serve the purpose and look less messy.

I hope this isn't or wasn't a personal situation,
but I think you are smart enough to figure out
it's not a normal one. I love the lines:

" When you kick me.
When you punch me.
Are you actually trying,to fix me?"

Yeah, they often think that it's a good method to teach her how to act.

Good luck with the contest!
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

kowque

Wed, 2023-11-29 12:30

kowque's picture

The spaces reflect how my mind works.

Sometimes, it's a tad fractured.

Koki

author comment

kowque

Wed, 2023-11-29 12:26

kowque's picture

For me, the pacing and spacing is very deliberate
I think it seems messy,
But,
I've always loved how ee Cummings used to confuse me.

Then I'd have to read every line,

Again and again.

I think I want to create a style of my own.
Still working on it.

Thank you for the feedback.

Koki

author comment
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