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The world we live in

Abuse,denial,pain
This world this place gloomy like rain
Does anyone in the world care?
There’s death and murder everywhere
These thoughts shoot through me to my head
I always lie awake in bed
Thinking of this horrid place
There’s always tears upon my face
Blood drips down from above
Our spirits hell none a dove
Suicide,homoside, racism, murder
This place it burns who is our herder?
Who’ll take charge?
Who’ll change this place?
To put a small lie on our face
We’ll need a savior to forgive
All these things his horrid stuff
Living here it is so tough
It makes life hard, life like a flood
For this world is covered in blood
So take this note, take my advice
And make a choice to change your life

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This poem is like a part of my mind. It is basically like Dumbledore from Harry Potter taking memories from his head. This poem and all my other poems I write are my pensive. Take and use this knowledge .
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hello and welcome to Neopoet. At least I haven't read your poetry before, as I'm fairly new.
What a gloomy picture you portray. You're right, mainly, but somehow one muddles through, especially like you do, putting your grim thoughts into poetry. I'll return with more time, meanwhile, keep safe, Gracy

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Hi Gracy
Thank you for your input.
You are very right it is a gloomy poem. But you have to remember sometimes life isn’t always rainbows and sunshine. I am 14 years old and should know. Anyway this I put as my first poem as an icebreaker. Literally. It is my strongest most meaningful poem. Don’t worry I have others that are more sunshiny. My poems reflect my life and how I live it. Also what I’ve been through. Thanks again
(By the way I love how you quote someone in your responses)
Vivi

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

Welcome to Neopoet...it's a place where you will be able to refine your poetic skills by participating in contests, workshops comments of fellow member and reading poems of others..

this poem does create a gloomy portrayal ...will love to see the other side of you also when you post more poems...

be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

A very warm welcome to Neopoet,

What a truly powerful poem, I read you are only 14 years, goodness that's a lot of knowledge inside you because I couldn't agree more, this world is surely dying and it's time mankind did something to stop it instead of helping it. A very good first post. Nice to meet you young poetess.

Thank you...Teddy

hi teddy
thankyou so much
your poems are amaxing too

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

welcome to Neopoet!

I started writing poetry when I was twelve, but didn't get serious about it until I was fourteen. my life had taken on drastic changes by then. this poem is an excellent start. I sense that this poem runs deeper than it shows on the surface and there things you are holding back. don't be afraid to show your true feelings. no one here should judge you. we are all human.
*hugs, Cat

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When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Hi cat
I love to hear that we have something in common. Yes these poems are basically my life. I put my heart, soul, and mind in it.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

A pretty gloomy outlook for a fourteen year old, but I can remember being fourteen myself and the angst building up until it seemed that I would explode. Pretty strong stuff to start your stay here. As raj says; I can't wait until we see some of your "sunshiny stuff". You have some good skills to start out with and if you stick with it, and want to, you can use this place and the advice you can get, to be great. Look around and read anything that catches your fancy; join a workshop or two and the monthly contests. You will find that there are plenty of people here that will give advice freely and you can pick and choose what you want to use and apply to your work. Have fun. ~ Geezer.
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Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
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Thank you so much for your input. This is my first time sharing some of my poems to the world. Don’t worry I have written a lot of other more sunshiny poems. I just am fascinated by the world and how some people live their life pretending like nothing is wrong. That was my life up until 3rd grade when I learned about what was really going on in the world. It means a lot to me to hear your praises and criticizm
Sending my love,
Vivi

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

your poem paints a true picture of the world we live in and your generation can make it change
a couple of suggestions

your use of the word pain is repeated perhaps another word to substitute at least one of the times same with the word place

as others have already stated welcome to Neo

Our chat room is not only there for Thursday afternoon chat 3:30-4:30
but it is there and ready for all to use at anytime of day come often and hook up in conversation to those across the globe

I’m glad you noticed that I didn’t. Do you have any ideas for me to change the words. I am about to edit it and republish. Tell me if you like.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment
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