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Winter Dusk
At the close of winter days,
On which the sun has paid an unexpected call,
The orange red sunset painted on the aqua sky,
Is soon mixed into a muddy gray.
All appears suspended in motionless anticipation,
Waiting for day and night to decide whose turn it is to stay.
In those several seconds,
Just before night tucks in the day,
Beneath a polka-dotted blanket,
The child's mind is drawn to all the events just past.
Within this recollection then is made the silent wish,
That cold air could freeze time as well as tiny fingers,
To keep this day forever.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Seren
Thu, 2012-09-27 09:13
Ello Captjack
I dont think ive read you before
you are writing into the winter
we are writing into the summer
with such colourful images
really loved the ending
I look forward to reading more of your work
kind regards Jayne-Chloe
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-09-27 11:17
Dear captjack,
hello and welcome to neopoet. I enjoyed your poem on sliding slowly into the colder seasons. Very good imagery!
always, Cat
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weirdelf
Fri, 2012-09-28 07:56
A lovely image
the drama of childhood subtly portrayed.
The line
On which the sun has paid an unexpected call,
is wonderful.
The line
The orange red sunset painted on the aqua sky,
is perhaps a bit cliched, could you find a more original way to say it?
The line
Waiting for day and night to decide whose turn it is to stay.
is also excellent.
A really good write overall.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Ian.T
Fri, 2012-09-28 09:10
Capt
This piece is a picture, to hold that scene with childlike dreams, I love the theme.
I have put under a line to sort of jog your thoughts to change the one that appears to be a little cliché, just a thought but use your own words..
Orange tongues licking the life of clouded aqua skies
The orange red sunset painted on the aqua sky,
Many poets will see what you have painted and enjoy the vision,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..