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When I saw her

When I saw her
from the corner
her striking eyes
pierced into my heart
and stop every beat
of my breathing and
left me open-mouthed
like a mere gambler
who just won jackpot
from series of loses

© Nyok Maker Mareng

Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I reckon I can forgive you for being a socialist lol. Now a few changes to improve the English here :
line 4 ; Change pierce to pierced
line 5: change stop to stopped
line 8: change merely to mere
last line try just after a series of losses.

The emotion here is strong just needs a bit of help. I can't imagine trying to write a poem in a language I was not born to

Scribbler gives good advice. you can't go wrong following it.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

who just won jackpot (who just won (a) jackpot
from series of loses (from (a) series of losses

try these changes
*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

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