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Water's Artifacts

Through moving
Water
The creek bed
Is an abstract painting
Blues and reds
And whites

You can see
A face
Hidden
Behind a veil
Or a landscape,
Some out-of-focus
Heaven

If you reach in
And grab
A stone,
However,
Grasp it
In your hands

The water
No longer obscures

It is solid and smooth
And beautiful
As can be

A masterpiece
Of time
And care

A fully formed
Work
Of art

A Mona Lisa

A Van Gogh’s
Sunflower

A sculpture
Of David

The water’s work
Has done

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Welcome to Neopoet and thank you for sharing this piece. It flows so smoothly just like the creek it describes. I especially enjoy the economy of words on each line. Please share more.

trekker

Interesting imagery. Sounds like the character is very connected to her surroundings and to nature, that it could give her a release she could not give herself. It almost gives me the imagery of a baptism, to be reborn, and nature is doing the baptism. I really like it.

A really emotion filled poem. You should go back and spell check it but other then that it's a good poem. A+

Mario Vitale

I very much like your poem, some very nice images. I especially enjoyed the dimensional change from water to hand. Only I am not sure if the listing of masterpieces really helps the flow of the poem. We already know it's
A masterpiece
Of time
And care

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

thank you all for your feedback!

author comment

Beautiful poem!

IRiz

How about "Water's Artifacts" for a title?
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raj (sublime_ocean)

oh, i like that, raj!

author comment

Good to see you liked it and adopted it.

I notice that you are replying to comments of others at the end of the stream. Perhaps you may have overlooked that Neopoet provides for your reply to follow a particular comment. All you need to do is ppress the "reply" button below the comment to which you would like to respond. That way it makes a good trail....
.....................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

IRiz, thanks for the feedback. It's cool seeing another writer's edits.

author comment

in a forest stream
the Nile
the Mississippi
may be the
AMAZON
can't say

but the flow is merry
slow and fully gay
no, not that way
but of yesterday's
all hearts must flow
along your ways
on neo poet's future days...
from today

You've embraced the site perfectly, offering feedback to others. Normally we have to kidnap their canary or send some Bukowskie style poets round to their house to get new members to give feedback.

This is an excellent piece and you have received some fine feedback already. If you choose to make any revisions based on afterthoughts or feedback click 'Edit' above the title. When you save the changes a 'Revisions' tab appears and you (and we) can follow the evolution of your poem. It is one of the 'you beaut' features of this site.

Which brings me to my only crit. I will go to almost any lengths to avoid using the words 'beauty' or 'beautiful' in a poem. There is almost always a better word, though it does not feel like a cop-out in context here.

My reading. This is on SounCloud so it is archival and you can use the link anywhere.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/the-waters-work-by-gregory-walker

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

thanks weirdelf for the feedback and the recording again. :). i agree, beautiful can be a cheap word choice and I am guilty of using it in my poetry. thanks for the encouragement. I guess the lack of response on other sites (fb poetry groups, in particular) has given me a hunger for real interaction. I'm fairly new to all of this online poetry stuff. again, thank you for the introduction to this site.

author comment

'Poetry Critique'. It has some of the crappiest, most cliched, trite sentimental poetry I've ever had the misfortune to read and not a word of honest critique.

I count myself lucky to have met a genuine talent like you there.

cheers,
Jess, Neopoet Directors
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

raj, I changed the title to your suggestion. very cool! thank you.

author comment
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