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Walking On The Beach II(IMAGERY WORKSHOP SUBMISSION)
Walking On The Beach
The sand hot ,scratches and burns
Until I reach the cool compacted wet sand of the shoreline
The force of the waves dragging the sand from under foot
gives the strange sensation of movement
As the mush squishes between my toes
Shoreline littered with broken shells
bite at my feet
Bending to pick up a handful of seaweed only to find
it slippery and oozes past my grasp
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Edgar Allen Poe, James Patterson, Dean Koontz, Leonard Cohen
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2012-03-14 16:18
I think that...
this is what Stan was talking about;when he said that too much description will make it run-on sentences.
These are just suggestions but, I would write it a little differently.
Walking On The Beach
The sand hot, it scratches and burns
Until I reach the cool, wet sand
The mud squishes between my toes
The shoreline littered with broken shells
Bites at my feet
I pick up some seaweed
I find it slippery
It oozes through my hands
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China Blue
Wed, 2012-03-14 18:21
Geezer
Yup your correction are far better thank you
I really would like to keep the idea of line(whatever)
about the waves dragging etc as it depict movement
and that is what Stan was looking for I think
This is the second write where he said we could select which sense we wanted
good to see your room up again
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2012-03-15 10:39
Sorry...
I totally screwed up there! I like that line too. Maybe that's why I left it out of the suggestions I made. LOL ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Arrow
Wed, 2012-03-14 21:22
I thought this was great in
I thought this was great in terms of tactile imagery. I can't think of much poetry I've read that focuses on the tactile. I know I never do it. My favorite stanza is the second. I had forgotten about the "moving sidewalk" sensation of the sand near the water. I don't know if this poem is meant to have a larger meaning but its focus on movement, broken fragments and the slippery nature of reality reminds me of the very transitory nature of life. I do agree with Geezer's comment about the lines. The long lines make it feel close to prose. I wouldn't have divided it as he did but I do think some restructuring would help, especially since the imagery is about movement. The sense of movement could be supported with different line lengths.
Barbara Writes
Wed, 2012-03-14 21:34
Chrys
Your poem seem to have many of the senses
motion the waves
Oozing seeweed etc
Like Stan says hard to focus on only one
Im Late here so my critique may be a bit off
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Debra Bryant
Thu, 2012-03-15 10:50
I agree...
re; line length, as it reads good. ( I may have missed a revision somewhere)
Very "touchy/feely" if you know what I mean, I can feel the movement of "mush between my toes"
Deb
scribbler
Thu, 2012-03-15 19:48
Hi Chrys
The 2 longish lines could easily be changed to 3 shorter ones without any loss of intent. Might want to add which to beginning of line 8 to reinforce the tactile displayed throughout this smooth flowing poem..........stan
wesley snow
Thu, 2012-03-15 21:06
I would invert
"sand" and "hot" as I think Gee suggested. Some of the lines are a bit overlong, but I don't think it bugged quite as much as others. It's likely because I was mildly blown away by the success of a tactile piece. I suspect this sense is the most difficult, but I'll probably change my mind when I read the comments on my poem.
This is a good workshop entry. You get an A from me.
wesley
W. H. Snow
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China Blue
Fri, 2012-03-16 08:21
All
thanks for all of the input. I will work on this this evening when all my chores and projects ae don
I have been given much to think about here.
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
author commentCandlewitch
Sat, 2012-03-17 13:03
Dear Chrys,
Well. I'm finally here! My only problem is with the word "mush" it reminds me of oatmeal, lol and I hate oatmeal with milk on it. how about grit?
always, Cat
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