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VON.

Submitted by Zafiro on Sat, 2020-03-07 10:24

When I look at you,
I see the ones you've created to protect you from the world.
I will not resize the truth to fit your frame.
It's a bit cowardly I must say.
At times,
I urge to crack you open but then;
It takes the all spring for the rare flowers to bloom.
You won't strip this time.
I'll gently guide your petals free,
Help you unravel slowly.
Let me wander through your mind.
Be a beast hunting your fears .
Like a dream you've never envisioned,
We'll break the walls.
See beauty what you may see as ugly.
Boy,you've died so many times;
It's time to live.
"What is dead never die but rises again ."

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

Gracy

Sat, 2020-03-07 12:41

Gracy's picture
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Hi Zafiro, I'm intrigued by the beauty of your poem. So deftly and lovingly crafted. I need to read it aloud to capture each nuance or metaphor. There are a few words to check out, such as "what is dead never die(s) but rises again".

"Be a beast and hunt every fear in you." could be "be a beast hunting your fears", for brevity's sake.

Lovely metaphors in there. I would suggest: "It takes all Spring for rare flowers to bloom", also for a tighter verse.

"It takes the whole spring for the rarest flowers to bloom.
You won't strip this time."
I'll gently guide your petals free,

I don't understand the title VON.
Some verses could be made shorter by dropping part of them to the next line. All else is splendid. Will return soon.

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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury

Zafiro

Tue, 2020-03-10 03:11

Zafiro's picture

Thanks a lot. I'll make changes

author comment

Zafiro

Tue, 2020-03-10 03:12

Zafiro's picture

Yeah,it's a name only I understand.

author comment
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