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the ultimate design

This is always on one’s mind....
where to consolation find

.'''Where to go with you today
Your house or mine just fine....''anon...'''

as long as we both entwine
that is the ultimate desire divine
to swim in ravines
and let rivers flow from mine
to and within
ere the summer ends
and
we forget the golden mine
where then together we ought to dine
reverberating thoughts of the ultimate design

your velvety body
with a sandy hairy one of mine
we all together embrace
then sip some red wine...

the finale must remain
a memory of ecstasy
yours and mine...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

This piece is a duplicate of your comment on the Imagination poem I put on stream yesterday, come on now lets write something new that will be of value, the repeat of comments as a poem is a little lazy bones,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

all can't read on ur wall
the stream
is visited by all
so its now ur call

anyway let me start away
a new series seriously
like twas yesterday
a sleight to one's memory

author comment

worse you can be accused of self-canibalisation and self plagiarism. This is lazy and another example of your your petulant attention-seeking behaviour.

Your behaviour lacks dignity and is embarrassing to yourself and others.

But let's look at the poem.-

the ultimate design

This is always on one’s mind....
where to consolation find

.'''Where to go with you today
Your house or mine just fine....''anon...'''

as long as we both entwine
that is the ultimate desire divine [nice line]
to swim in your ravines
and let [your] rivers flow from mine
to and within thine [I've tried to suggest before that your use of archaisms like "thine" is at best ineffective, at worst bloody pretentious]
ere the summer ends
and we forget the golden mine
where then together we ought to dine
reverberating thoughts of the ultimate design

your velvety body
with a sandy hairy one of mine [oh! this is a very clever, evocative and subtle line!]
we all together embrace
then sip some red wine...

the finale must be remain [bad grammar- the finale must remain]
a memory of ecstasy
yours and mine...

A really nice poem, Loved, sorry you have to spoil it with your pre-adolescenct female fake coyness and sel-plagiarisation.

cheers,
Jess
New Workshop!-
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clap
This one was inspired
by Ian's poem
hence a comment there
poetry here
shall note not to err ....again

suggestions being incorporated

author comment
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