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Two hearts
Two hearts that beat as one.
Come together under the fire of the sun.
One of them night the other day, in the mist of life somehow lost their way.
Both souls fighting in this world alone, only to realize they were never on their own.
The hurt they have endured will only for a little while last, until one day they must leave all that in the past
They both hold on when no one else is on their side. Into the moonlight that is their only guide.
Review Request (Direction):
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2022-10-13 10:46
The beginning...
and the end of this piece are fine. I do think that in order to make this more readable, you might break the lines into two separate lines at the commas. You have chosen to write every line rhyme, which I think is somewhat the hardest type. I am a rhymer and rarely choose to use it. You did well, for your first piece here. ~ Geezer.
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Lavender
Thu, 2022-10-13 13:06
Two Hearts
Greetings, Carrie Marie!
The devotion of two struggling hearts - very nice! I agree with Geezer regarding the line breaks, separating at the commas or thoughts, as you did in the first two lines of your poem. It may make it easier to follow, but also look a bit more appealing to read.
Welcome!
Lavender
Rosewood Apothecary
Fri, 2022-10-14 05:21
Welcome
Excellent poem. I agree with Geezer that some slight reformatting could make for an easier read. I’m with him on corrections, there really aren’t any. It’s importing poetry to put line breaks where you want the reader to pause.
Try this
Two hearts that beat as one.
Come together under the fire of the sun
One of them night the other day
In the mist of life somehow lost their way
Both souls fighting in this world alone
Only to realize they were never on their own
The hurt they have endured will only for a little while last
Until one day they must leave all that in the past
They both hold on when no one else is on their side
Into the moonlight that is their only guide
I personally don’t use punctuation unless I need it in the middle of a line. The line breaks are pauses. You are very talented please keep it up. I look forward to reading more.
Welcome to Neopoet,
Tim
Jackweb
Fri, 2022-10-14 13:21
Plain truth
I emphatically agree with the notion of the two gentle men. Punctuations assists in organizing your words into discernible verses.
Nice job Carrie!
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"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb