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Trees

There are two kinds of rest, two pines in a forest
of crestfallen trees and dreams' fallen leaves.
These evergreens bleed these much needed seeds we seek;
I beseech, underneath these trees, which of their seeds
succeeds in superseding weeds.

Now there’s Sleep and there’s Peace,
and the tree that’s known as Sleep
believes in reaching towards headboards and sheets,
while the tree that’s known as Peace
believes in teaching support that’s born in feet.

There is no mystery that Sleep is the tallest tree,
it’s agreed and uncontested, although I suggest this:
when storms threaten your existence
with persistent gusts of never-ending questions
descending from remnants of a Heaven once believed in,

that you decide to seek shelter with Peace.

Now Peace is not likely to be the tree we begin
to seek until we see that Sleep becomes nothing
when it comes to lightning strikes acting
on attraction; the fact is that Sleep is attractive,
but lightning’s actions distract us from doubts in clouds attacking.

There is also fact in that while lightning acts on bias,
what we find is that violence is not confined to Sleep.
What this means is that Peace, the smallest tree,
also receives the same treatment that Sleep receives
when wind speeds exceed the capabilities of sanity.

Now, there’s Sleep and there’s Peace,
and neither tree can easily guarantee that we will reach
the end we seek. Though, I am reminded of the lightning blindness
we find in Sleep, and the fact that the taller the tree,
the more likely it is to fall when demons breathe,

so I decide to seek shelter with Peace, and in my feet.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Firstly welcome to Neopoet, here we are mainly a workshop interrupted by our freedom to write.
We receive comments in the hope that they will improve our writing, please try to answer the persons that comment it enhances our site and our ability to see others..
This piece would be good in Stanzas and made more rhythmic, the first thing I saw wrong was that there were leaves on the pine trees, it needled me a bit, as I try to grow true to my species, lol..
Just a tidy up, I look forward to your future writes,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Thank you for commenting on my first poem on Neopoet! I appreciate that you took the time to read my poetry and decided to leave your feedback, Ian.

This was one of my more 'experimental poems', with a different form of structure then I usually use. Also, when I write, the rhythm and flow that begins in my head tends to ruin my objectivity and makes it hard to tell when and/or if my poem flows as I intended it to.

Responding to your comment about the leaves, I could have made it more clear that the leaves were not from the pine trees themselves, but from the other, non-pine trees in the forest. As a biology student, my professor would have killed me if I thought that pine trees grew leaves. But if you have any advice as to how I may be able to make that more clear, I would greatly appreciate it!

Thank you for your time, friend!

author comment

and I like trees
like the careful dynamic pacing and introduction
with each ending line to the next
a friend knows trees and medicinal
qaulities of the bark and needles
me not so much!

thank U

There are two kinds of rest, two pines in a forest
of crestfallen dreams,
Scattering their needles at my feet, whilst the golden leaves of Autumn float past my eyes.

The dance of autumn shows its face...

Many ways to express the seasons changes and when incorporated in a poem as you said needs a clearer vision, Take care Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

how I am glad
you saved your professor
from a murder
be briefer
for applause
else only
Snow man will love you
none else in due course

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