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The Treasure Chest
I invite you to open the treasure chest of our mind
The more you look
The more you find
Savor the golden ambrosia from our mental cookbook.
In the space of the Universe, infinity abound
The mind the micro-mirror of the macro
Thoughts, feelings, ideas, creativity profound
Abundant harvest from little seeds can grow.
The problems of the world weigh heavy
Rotten thoughts produce inferior fruit
Change the flow and open the levy
New results can begin to take root.
Intellectual endeavor, infinite inspiration
Flowing from the fount of forever
Treasure chest of our mind collaboration
Creating new recipes for transcendence together.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
BelindaR
Thu, 2013-05-16 18:52
thank you
You are absolutely right on the rhythm being off - I am still trying to find a way to fix that and maintain the idea...
Love
me
author commentscribbler
Thu, 2013-05-16 21:57
Hello
And welcome to neopoet. I think that the word cookbook is not the problem with that line but , rather , that the line is a bit long. Try dropping golden and see if that "fixes" it. Always good to see another rhyming poet and even better one who employs my favorite abab rhyme scheme.....................stan
Ian.T
Sat, 2013-05-18 03:29
BelindaR
Just a play with the first Stanza that seems to be causing some worries
.
I invite you to open the treasures of the mind
The more you seek
The more you find
Savor the ambrosia from our thoughtful leak
.
Well I tried lol it is fun to play, not sure if I have said welcome to Neopoet but it is there, Lovely to have you with us here,
Yours Ian.T
.
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So find more reasons to believe in others..