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Trading lines for lines and rhymes

It is already morning and as I sit here today, I did yesterday to
Pen clenched in a hard grip, smithing words from my fist
I used to be a midnight poet, writing line after line, while others slept
It was an innocent escape, I was a productive hedonist
Somewhere along those lines, too many were crossed, self-promises unkept
Midnights lines turned to morning rhymes,
While I escaped the flashing warning signs,
After all, it was always my escape,
Isn't that quite poetic?

Yes, it’s all quite poetic,
Until there are no more rhymes,
And all that's left are only lines

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I would also love to hear your interpretation. Is it subtle, confusing or obvious?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

A mini bio of sorts? Loved the flow and rhyming pattern and topic

The only feedback I would give, since you have asked for full feedback is the last three line stanza did not impact me much. Kind of broke me out of the spell you were weaving with your words. The way it comes across is that the writer of the poem has most definitely not run out of rhymes. Is it a warning to himself? Has he had to walk through this and resurface able to rhyme again as a morning poet?

Anyways, welcome to Neopoet :-) Great poets on this site that have given me wonderful feedback.

Thank you Soulful Owl for the feedback and welcoming me to the site! I really appreciate your comments and I think you are spot on to be honest. It was the part I struggled most with as I desperately liked the idea of having "until there are no more rhymes, only lines" in some shape or form to end the poem. The problem was I couldn't resist including "Isn't that quite poetic?" and then it made anything coming after it feel out of place.

Will definitely reflect on if I can change it or if I need to kill my darlings. Your interpretation is correct. It's a warning to himself and recognition of a pattern once observed. It's also a metaphorical warning to anyone walking the line. It's all fun with rhymes and lines until there's only lines. See why I wanted to keep it? :)

author comment

Sorry I'm late to the door. Let me start off by telling you that I thought you were telling this as a tale of caution to an initiate!
That you had been around a while and were taking a new poet under your wing. Good story.
If you really don't mind, I have a couple of fixes for you that I think that may help smooth things out. Of course you are not obliged to use any of my ideas and free to make your own adjustments, these are just a guide to some trouble spots and ways of dealing with them.

1] It is already morning and as I sat yesterday, I do today

2] [with] my fist

3] Somewhere, there were too many lines crossed, and self-promises unkept

4] While I [fled] You have already used [escaped] a couple of lines ago and
the line before.

5] This is how I would take care of those trouble lines:
Delete the line: "Isn't that quite poetic?" Instead go right to

"Yes, it's quite poetic
Until there are no more rhymes
And all that is left are lines"

Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Geezer,

First of all, I want you to know I'm extremely grateful for your feedback and input. I don't share my writing to friends and I'm not exposed to literature in my work. I only very recently tried online forums but apart from this place, others tend to only gives you praise or stay silent, no suggestions or criticism. It makes it very difficult to learn and grow in poetry. Thus, you taking the time to not only read but also selfishly dedicating your time to improving my poem is very valuable to me. I have full appreciation of how hard and time consuming it can be. It means a lot to me. Thank you

Below are my thoughts on your suggestions. I'm not trying to say I am right, just wanted to give you a flavour for why I'm leaning towards my preference. My assumption is you will disagree with most of it and I would love to hear if you think I'm missing any angle. Don't feel obliged to respond though. I appreciate you have already given more than enough of your time and that you probably didn't intend to have to read all my extra drivel to and continue discussing.

1] It is already morning and as I sat yesterday, I do today

- Maybe a "kill your darling" moment. Appreciate my build of sentence unusual. It's a hangover from the original version which started with something along the lines of:

"As I sit here today, I did yesterday to
But I still strive for tomorrow, as we all do"

To me ending with "yesterday to" sounds more rhythmic. "to" feels like it continues the flow whilst "today" feels like it abruptly ends it (i.e "oo" flows the sentence and "ay" halts it) I'm sure there is a more eloquent, technically correct way to describe what I'm trying to say). It may be a Swedish thing, where we tend to end all sentences on a higher note in the end

2] [with] my fist
I agree with you grammatically. I think I prefer my "from my fist" version simply because it gave me an image of "words furiously spitting out of someone's fist". Is this sitll allowed if intentional or breaking grammar is always faux pax?

3] Somewhere, there were too many lines crossed, and self-promises unkept
I think I prefer yours. I was having trying to have a bit of fun playing with "somewhere along the way" and "crossing the line".

4] While I [fled] You have already used [escaped] a couple of lines ago and
the line before.
- I see your point. Do you think it then will still highlight the compounding irony in trying to "avoid (escape) a problem that was caused by you first escape (that helped ignore other problems), by continue using that same escape (ignoring other problems, including the one caused by this escape)"?

5] This is how I would take care of those trouble lines:
Delete the line: "Isn't that quite poetic?" Instead go right to

"Yes, it's quite poetic
Until there are no more rhymes
And all that is left are lines"

- Great solution. love it. You earlier comment made me think also think if I should me the "somewhere along the way" wordplay to here and say "Until somewhere along the lines, there are no more rhymes" But then I feel still needs "only lines" in the end which is too much i.e "..along the lines, there are no more rhymes, only lines" or something new to create the right ending

author comment

although I provide some thought on how I see it, this is your work! You are always free to use or discard any advice that I give.
I thank you for taking time to respond directly to my thoughts. I will say, that when I am writing, I think of the reader and how they are going to respond. Unless I intend to hold their hand all the way through the poem; [explaining every line]
I try make it make sense to the ordinary reader. Nuances are not most readers forte. As you have explained your reasons for the lines I see as problematic, it is fine and you should go with what you feel is best. I still get the sense of what it is all about and I guess that is the best we can do sometimes. I hope that you find your overall experience here a pleasure and you learn from what you see and do here. I tell it like I see it and don't think that is of much help to give praise just to make someone feel good. If that's what people want, then they should stick with the sites you have mentioned, that just slather the praise or say nothing at all. So, take wings and fly as high as you like, enter our monthly contests for the prizes and take our challenges for fun. I'll be looking for your work. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

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