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Time is not running (Narrative workshop)

The school opens at 7:00 am
And closes at 2:00 pm
Hmmm such a long time waiting
Well, the teacher's so nice
Friendly and jovial
All pupils enjoy learning

Their engagement flow well
But something changed
Excuse me miss
What time is it?
12:30 pm I guess
And she continues teaching

Jerry gazed at the clock endlessly
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.
Tick, Tock he counts the seconds
Seems like a count down game
It runs in his mind
The river side swimming game
Slowly the miss approaches

Hey Jerry
What are you thinking
In shuck jerry answered
But the time is not running
What's about it? Miss asked
Uhh, but I must run
Jerry, the most playful amongst all
He jumped out of the class.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Just remember my primary school days
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

should the line: "what time it is?" be: what time is it? and Tik Tak is usually: Tick Tock, Tick Tock, for the marching of the clock. keep working on it, I'm sure that you will do well. good luck to you!

*hugs, Cat

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

You for ticking out my mistakes thank you so much

I rather learn how to fish than to beg for one

author comment

However i think you should add a bunch more to it. Develop it more, by adding more content about the classroom maybe?

You don’t have to go as far as Van Halen did, in the song “Hot For Teacher” however you could add some scene that relates where the classroom is.

Strap in for this video.... private message me if you want the link for the video

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Very much for another suggestion I will work towards it, you know it's draft work so when I revisit it I'll do as that.

author comment

Hi Simon! I enjoyed the enthusiasm and lighthearted humor of this piece - good stuff! Not sure you need to really add too much more to this, but there are some suggestions that might help clarify the intent and humor of this piece of narrative poetry.

Some random thoughts:
- "In shuck jerry answered" - maybe: flippantly, Jerry answered, or mischievously, Jerry answered...
- "But the time is not running What's about it? Miss asked" - maybe: The time seems to be standing still. "What about it?" Miss asked

Just a couple of suggestions Simon, but I think you are on the right track - thanks for sharing!

Best

Michael Anthony

You must be a good editor, I really appreciate your suggestion and will do something about it.

author comment

You must be a good editor, I really appreciate your suggestion and will do something about it.

author comment
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