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THRESHOLDS(edit 1)

I found I had become a man,
when it happened I'm not sure.
I wonder if anyone can
the line between is never pure.

There was a time when school and sports
seemed the center of the world,
a microcosmic life of sorts
from which I was far too soon hurled.

But even then I stayed a child
although married and employed
with transition not quite reconciled.
Manhood was that with which I toyed.

Years and life passed on and on,
children and strife were hard lessons
as my sketch became more fully drawn
lit mainly beneath southern suns.

People came and many left
some in distance others in death,
that sudden mysterious cleft,
which we span with final breath.

The sands still fell on through the glass
'till I heard that I'd become a "sir"
as middle age had come to pass
age, it seems, had come without a cure.

Now I find that I am a grandad
with both my parents passed away
who's been through times both good and bad
yet mostly unscarred by the fray.

Childhood now is far behind,
I find joys in life while I still can.
I think and search but still can't find
that instant I became a man.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Good for you Stan
After your workshop you will soon realize ….a man you have become so wise…. but remember the womb to tomb is a long journey… but part which is most remembered …when one with navels is playing ….all else are like commas and full stops… to fill in all other kinds of destined hot spots….stops !...

How I wish my parents took me along …but then that has been since times gone long …Sorry for the poetic comment …a dog’s tail can never be straightened…

loved

i Do hope to become wiser (at least in poetry) as a result of my shop. A lot of folks don't realize that usually the person running the shop gains at least as much as the participants. Thanks for the visit...........stan

author comment

as ten students ask different questions
he has to naturally think ....
my friend got distinction
where as they doled off a pass
mere pass to me
i asked him how ????
he gave the answer
i have given above
Stan you are a great Man

the guy kept awake the whole night
to find answers to my questions
not that I knew less

But the guy was more intelligent..
May god bless his soul
as he now rests !

loved

LOL
One reason my shops don't deal much with technical aspects is because I'm not well learned in such. So I just try my best to get people to give more thought to what they write and how to make what they write better. When it gets to the nitty gritty this shop is being run in order to encourage people to take enough time while writing to at least consider that the first word they think of using might not be the best word............stan

author comment

I found I had become a man,
when it happened I'm not sure.

do you know Sir ,
one day yet
to one's birthday
he is a child
and
a day after the 18th birthday
one becomes a man

now tell me
a crime committed on a day
short of 18
one is dealt with like one was a kid
and
a day after he cuts the eighteenth cake
he becomes a man

then what is his position
as he cuts the cake
and
pierces his ex
will you treat him a man
o tell me Stan!

loved

It takes more than testicles and a number to make a man..................stan

author comment

do add on
boldness
daring ability
facing humanity
accepting defeat
accepting wrong doing
and
so so so .......................on on on

loved

your title as it seemed to fit the description of the content and your rhyme is impeccable as usual.
I did feel that your rhythm was a little shaky here and there.
Just suggestions, mind you, but I would do a couple of things differently.

1] I think you might change the line [4.2] to read: [Strife and children] to ease the flow.
2] instead of the word [others], use some and some. [5.2].
3] leave out the word [on] [6.1]
4] age has come without a cure [6.4]
5] a little scarred by troubled days [7.1]
6] I find the joys that I still can [8.2]

I always enjoy the things you write, I'm just not always up to doing a proper job of critique.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
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.

I'm pleased you like the title since my first inclination was "On Aging" . I know the rhythm is a bit off but I decided to go ahead and post as is so I could get ideas from those who read this. I'd been thinking about what marks the time between childhood and manhood. I' WILL take your ideas into consideration when I edit this (and I expect this is a poem I will edit a lot over time).
"Aproper job of critique" ......nobody has the time to deliver such on all the poetry he/she reads so don't beat yourself up about it. If time is short just tell me you like it or dislike it lol...........stan PS your first suggestion is the way I'd originally written that line lol. Reckon I should have stuck with it.

author comment

I think this is a really good poem I have a few ideas but I am absolutely wrecked tonight I will return Monday night and go through some suggestions I have for you

love JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Hope you get to feelin' better. Suggestions huh? Hope they don't involve rollig the poem up real tight and using as a suppository lol. I don't know if ya'll celebrate Thanksgiving down yonder but I hope you have a good day...........stan

author comment
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