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Thorn
Prickly little spears,
bursting forth from the delicate rose,
inching forward to get a piece of succulent meat.
As i walk by they seem to reach forward to poke,
pieces of skin punctured by the thrusting thorns.
Blood flows and the roses wave in the wind happily.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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Comments
brittle light
Fri, 2016-06-03 00:13
hello new poet Kat
some punctuation would help; at first read it feels a little clumsy until deciphered.
the "copyright" notice is not necessary, and isn't really effective anyway.
Al
Kat
Fri, 2016-06-03 08:41
thank you for your insight i
thank you for your insight i will work on it regards,kat
author commentKat
Fri, 2016-06-03 08:49
thorn
could you please show me how you would punctuate. i have trouble with it. thank thank you kat
author commentbrittle light
Fri, 2016-06-03 09:28
where to begin?
where to begin?
It is hard to be precise. You know best the meaning you want to convey.
My stumble came at
...'as I walk by they (the rose flowers?) seem to reach forward to poke pieces of skin punctured by the thrusting thorns. Blood flows and the roses....
OR
'as I walk by they (the thorns?) seem to reach forward to poke pieces of
skin. Punctured by the thrusting thorns, blood flows and the roses....
double '-ing' words in a line or sentence can cause some confusion...'bursting'
and 'inching' in this case. Maybe 'burst forth....' would be better.
you know what you want to say...learn some more about punctuation, and how to utilize it for your intentions...in general, learn the rules first, and then, and only then, break them whenever they get in your way.
that all I have to say for now.
keep at it...poetry is forever
Al
Keith Logan
Sat, 2016-06-04 05:23
-ing words
On another forum I was once castigated for the use of one such a word, I'll share my response by posting the poem "Lighthouse" as soon as I am allowed. (Can't remember if I have already posted something in this twenty four hour period.). I actually like the sense of immediacy these words can bring. In your example I think it is a sight offence, having the two words above each other starting two consecutive lines. The simple inclusion of "and" might solve the problem.
bursting forth from the delicate rose,
and inching forward for a piece of succulent meat.
PS: Welcome to a friendly and knowledgable site. I'm still learning a lot here I hope you stick around long enough to find out if the site suits you and look forward to reading more from your pen.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
China Blue
Sat, 2016-06-04 18:04
Kat
freeverse does not require punctuation as long as you use breaks and line stops
simply put each thought is given it's own line, This is an on going battle between writers and is solely the opinion and freedom of the writer as to which school of thought they follow
interesting subject the simplicity of it makes the poem a worthwhile read
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
jane210660
Sun, 2016-06-05 03:44
Having just clipped one of my
Having just clipped one of my rose bushes back and donated fair chunks of my arm, I was left wondering how something so beautiful could be so murderous.
I enjoyed this poem. Jx
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