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Sweet
That laugh
I’ve been waiting for it
That honeysuckle voice
And her lips like marmalade
Eyes closed when she smiles
And a fitting crown upon her head
She walked in my dreams
Now I run to her
She steepens my heart
Tends to my wanting soul
Brings me to life
Without trying
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2024-05-07 08:03
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Sweet" demonstrates a strong use of sensory language and metaphor, which effectively conveys the speaker's affection and longing for the subject. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.
1. Consistency in metaphor: The poem uses a variety of metaphors to describe the subject - "honeysuckle voice", "lips like marmalade", "a fitting crown upon her head". While these are vivid and sensory, they are disparate and do not contribute to a unified image or theme. Consider choosing one central metaphor or theme and developing it throughout the poem.
2. Verb choice: The line "She steepens my heart" is somewhat unclear. The verb "steepen" is typically used to describe a physical incline or increase in gradient, and its application to the abstract concept of the heart may confuse readers. Consider replacing it with a verb that more clearly communicates the intended emotion or effect.
3. Show, don't tell: The closing lines "Tends to my wanting soul / Brings me to life / Without trying" tell the reader about the subject's impact on the speaker, but do not show it. Consider replacing these lines with concrete, sensory details that demonstrate this impact.
4. Punctuation: The poem lacks punctuation, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow. Consider adding punctuation to guide the reader through the poem's rhythm and phrasing.
Overall, the poem effectively communicates a sense of longing and affection, but could benefit from more consistent metaphors, clearer verb choices, more showing rather than telling, and the addition of punctuation.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
MermaidMaster
Tue, 2024-05-07 14:11
zach,
gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous poem. whoever the subject is must be a very lucky girl <3
-MM
<3
zach
Tue, 2024-05-07 14:54
MM,
thank you!! i’m just as lucky that I found her. <3
zach :)
:)
author commenttyro
Tue, 2024-05-07 17:13
l.I think it is the truth in
l.I think it is the truth in the details which gives such power to the poem. It touches you first and mainly on the emotional level.
I also like the balance: The first six lines portrays her physical beauty, and the last six, her spiritual beauty.
Strong and beautiful
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
zach
Tue, 2024-05-07 21:14
thank you tyro! the balance
thank you tyro! the balance between her physical and spiritual beauty was exactly what I was going for.
zach
:)
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